i'll be your wings (Destiel Fanfic)

My Destiny As A Bad Cook

I know it's been I while. I'm sorry. I've been sick and I couldn't think straight.
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I was actually up and out of bed for the first time in weeks, not counting bathroom brakes. I had showered, gotten dressed in Dean's clothes and was now downstairs making breakfast for everyone. I woke up in a good mood, no bad thoughts and no pain in my chest, the weight felt lighter and I felt like I could actually get up and do things. So here I am. Attempting to make breakfast.

I place another pancake on the stack and smile when I hear quick footsteps coming down the stairs. Dean must've realized I wasn't in bed with him.

"Cas?"

I turn around and smile at him but something feels off about the way it feels. "hello Dean." I say, my voice not sounding quite right.

Dean must notice it too cause the corners of his mouth pulls down in a frown. "Cas are you okay?"

I continue to smile and nod "I'm okay. I'm great actually." Lies. All of it.

No. I'm fine.

Everyone's fine.

Dean's fine.

Sam's fine.

Gabe..

Gabe's fine.

I turn and make more pancakes. Adding one after another to the stack.

"Cas.. we don't need that many pancakes." Dean said, obviously trying to sound cheerful.

"Yes we do. Gabriel's coming. He eats a lot." I say, adding another pancake to the stack. I hear Dean take a sharp breath and my smile falters but I keep going, pouring more batter into the pan.

"Cas.."

I shake me head quickly "Gabe should be here any minute." I turn around and start setting the table, putting down syrup, whip cream, chocolate syrup and sprinkles.

Gabe likes sprinkles.

"Cas.." Dean grabs my hands and makes me look at him. He has bags under his eyes and his hair is messed up.

He should go get dressed before Gabe gets here.

"Cas he isn't coming"

I just smile more and turn around, putting the darkened pancake with the rest and putting the stack on the table.

He isn't coming.

I stop what I'm doing and stare at the pancakes, my vision blurring for some reason I'm not sure of.

Gabriel isn't coming.

I slowly start putting the toppings away "it's okay.. I'll save some for him.." I say, my voice catching in my throat.

I stop when all that's left on the table in the pancakes and wiped my face, wondering why I'm crying. I just smiled again and look up at Dean "I'll just save some for him. I'm sure he'll be happy that I made them for him."

I leave the pancakes on the table for later and walk upstairs, listening to Dean's heavy footsteps as he followed behind me. We get to out room and I lay down on the bed, pulling the covers up over me. The bed dips as he lays down with me and pulls me against him, running his fingers through my hair.

"It's okay.. I've got you.."

It's not okay

He kisses my temple and whispers three words to me that I haven't heard in so long

"I love you"

I want to say it back. I really really do. Because I care about him and I think I might love him but I can't.

"I can't.. I can't love you.."

Dean sighed and rubs ny arm "what do you mean?" I hear the hurt in his voice but I know there's also excceptance there.

"..I don't know how.."

"I'll help you"
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