Love and Lies

CHAPTER 6

Date: 15 July, 2018

Have you ever been so much consumed by someone's thoughts that you wish you could restart your brain to forget that person even if it means forgetting everything else along with it? My Mother's continuous talk about my marriage, my nightmares and the time spent at khala's place made me think about him all the time. In less than a year, i spent a lot of time with him and it was fine until now, because now i realized i am going crazy. I am thinking about him all the time. I know he is an amazing guy with an amazing name. He is smart, talented, sweet....Ok i need to stop right there. Now!

Finally understanding the meaning of 'An idle man's brain is a devil's workshop', i hopped out of my bed and slipping my feet into my pink flip flops, i lumbered out of my room. I had my Pj's on and my hair was worse than bird's nest. I was in the worst form of myself and in my worst form, i could even scare the devil away. That's why i wasn't ready to encounter a person in whose thoughts i was drowning a minute ago in my living room.

I blinked as i gawked at him. Then i roamed my eyes over my clothes. His eyes as well were as wide as saucers. It was that situation where you clearly knew what was the next thing you are supposed to do. Like in our case, he was supposed to tear away his gaze from me and i was supposed to lift my feet and get my ass out of here. But we both were stunned. He obviously hadn't expected of encountering something scary and i was stunned because of two reasons. First, he was here and i had no idea why and Second, he was here and i looked like a runaway prisinor from Azkaban. Oh my God! I just quoted Harry potter. I am turning into Haya and i don't know whether it is a good thing or bad.

Fortunately, my mother broke our stunning spell and gained our attention by clearing her throat. She gestured me with her eyes to get the hell out of here for my bird's nest was visible to gift Zayer a heart attack. I dashed out of the room after muttering a quick sorry. I ran to the stairs but had to stop abruptly as Samar's big head came in my way.

"Stop there Fast and furious. There are people in way!" He said and then smirked at my appearance. "I thought you had a mirror in your room" he said

"Get out of my way" I growled and tossing him aside, i climbed the stairs.

"Get out of my way" I heard him parroting right before i closed the door of my room behind me.

I stood straight right in front of the mirror and glared at my reflection. If looks could kill, i would have been under the ground by now.

What was wrong with me? Why did it matter how i looked in front of him? I tried to convince myself that it was normal. I would be embarrassed in front of everyone if i appeared in this form. But who am i kidding? I knew he mattered. He mattered more than anyone else. And i also knew what my inner voice was saying was true but it's the stupid inner voice. You should stuck it where it belongs.

With slumped shoulders, i shuffled to my bed and sat cross legged on it. I thought about the last time i felt like this about someone. I recalled the wrong decisions i made after that. Suddenly, my chest tightened. The air in the room became too thick. I couldn't breathe. Tears welled my eyes. I wondered if that's what you feel like in your end moments. Before you die. Was i dying? But i didn't die. The asphyxia dwelled, but the soul didn't leave my body. I wasn't dying. I was on the worst guilt trip ever. My life was made of regrets. And the mere possibility of going on the same road again towards which i swore not to ever look again terrified me. It was a terror which numbed my body. Was i overreacting? Maybe yes. But i broke Haya's trust. I tricked her. I broke my parent's trust. Everyday i look at them and they have no idea what their daughter did. So maybe yes. I am overreacting, but when my parents say they are proud of me, i want to cry out loudly, i want to tell them everything because I know i am not the person they think i am. I don't deserve their great words. I am ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of everything i did. I am ashamed.