I noticed it slowly. Looking back it was painfully obvious, but I refused to see it. Shiro just didn't like me. He would smile at all the paladins but whenever he saw me the smile tightened, almost like it was forced.
And honestly it fucking sucked when your crush hated you.
I sighed and pulled out a notebook. Maybe if I found out why Shiro didn't like me I could change. I titled the notebook 'Reasons why Shiro doesn't like me' and opened to the first page. I wrote the date and then wrote what happened today.
Day 42
I didn't notice until recently, but Shiro clearly doesn't like me. That's okay, I guess, I mean I wouldn't like me either. I don't actually like me. But I want to do something about it, so I suppose that's where this journal comes in. If I find out why Shiro hate's me then I can change myself and make him appreciate me more.
Today was training again.
I messed up a shot though, which in turn made Keith have to work twice as hard to get the bot. After that Shiro yelled at me and told me to train longer. So I trained four extra hours and increased seven levels. I think he wants me to become more like Keith.
Reason 1: I'm not Keith.
I shut the journal and slid it under my bed. I then went into the training room to practice more. I trained for six more hours, stopping when the growling in my stomach became too much to ignore. I walked into the kitchen to see Hunk and Shiro laughing.
As soon as I entered the mood shifted. Shiro stared at me for an uncomfortably long time before he spoke. "What have you been doing? You missed dinner." Shiro sounded...worried? No, he was probably just angry.
"I was training," I said, grabbing a bowl of food goo. "Isn't that what you wanted?"
"What? No, I just thought you needed more practice, is all." Shiro said.
"Oh," I said. "Well, after I'm done eating I'm going to be practicing some more." And with that I left the room. Clearly Shiro was uncomfortable with me being near him. I ate the food quickly and ran back to the training room.
======
It's been two weeks since I started the journal. Surprisingly, it wasn't hard to find things he hated about me. Shiro seemed to hate absolutely everything about me. That made it a little trickier to find things to change about myself, but I could do it. I just had to push through it.
Shiro hated it when I flirted with people, so I stopped flirting. At first people seemed concerned, Hunk even asked me if I was feeling okay, but I brushed him off. Now people seemed to enjoy it. That means I'm doing something right.
Shiro hated it when I picked fights with Keith, so I stopped bothering him. I didn't avoid him, but whenever he antagonized me or tried to rouse me into a fight I walked away. Slowly Keith and I have been getting along better. I didn't comment on his mullet anymore, which seemed to worry Hunk even more, but once more I brushed him off. I was doing better.
Shiro hated it when I was loud, so I stopped talking. Not entirely, just when it was unnecessary. I no longer talked about unimportant stuff, speaking only when spoken to and nothing more. Hunk walked up to me and pulled me aside, demanding me to tell him what was wrong. "Nothing," I replied, lightly patting the gently giants hand as I walked away. "i'm just trying to better myself is all."
Shiro hated it when I made jokes, so I no longer made jokes. The castle had slowly gotten more grim but it was better because Shiro seemed to look at me with a disgusted glint in his eyes less. This time it was Pidge and Keith who asked me what was wrong.
Why does everyone keep asking me that? I'm just doing what Shiro wants. He's the leader, he clearly knows what's best for the team. If me being myself is toxic for people then I have to change. That's just how it worked.
Finally everyone just gave up and let me change myself, only throwing sad glances my way whenever I did something different.
=========
"Lance what the actual fuck is this?" Hunk asked, slamming a book on the table. I looked up from my food in surprise, Everyone else stared at Hunk, shocked. Hunk never cursed.
"What?" I asked. He pointed at the book. I looked at it and my stomach dropped. It was my journal. "Where did you get that?" I asked, my hands reaching forward to take it but he snatched it away from me.
"I was cleaning your room because you're messy and I found it under the bed," Hunk said, crossing his arms with a defensive huff. "Now, answer the question."
"It's nothing Hunk," I said, reaching for it again. He denied it.
"What is it?" Shiro asked in confusion.
"Apparently this is the reason why lance hasn't been acting like Lance lately," Hunk said. "This is the reason why Lance stopped joking around and being my best friend!"
"Hunk please!" I begged. I couldn't let them see it. They didn't need to know the horrible truth that I knew.
"Lance none of this is true!" Hunk cried. "How could you even think like this."
"Because it is true!" I yelled, jumping forward to pry it from his hands. He dodged it easily and turned around so that Pidge could take it.
"'Reasons why Shiro hates me'?" Pidge read aloud. The team froze and Shiro looked at me in horror. "Lance what the fuck?"
"Pidge give that back!"
"Pidge," Shiro said. "Give me that please." He held out his hand.
"NO!"
Pidge handed the journal to Shiro and my heart dropped as he opened it and started to read it. He got to the third page before he looked at me, his eyes......watering?
"I need to speak to Lance alone please," Shiro said. Shit. Is the part where Shiro tells me that despite everything he still hates me? Is he going to kick me off the team? The rest of the team nodded and left me alone with Shiro.
"So....nice weather we're having huh?" I said, trying desperately to lighten the mood.
"Lance don't stall," Shiro said. "Do you....do you really think everything in here is true?"
"I mean, isn't it?"
"No! No, none of this is true," Shiro cried. What? "Lance I don't hate you! Quite the opposite actually, I don't hate you....I love you!"
My brain short-circuited.
"You...what?"
"Lance I love you, I don't hate you," Shiro said again. So I hadn't misheard? But how is this possible? "I love it when you joke and laugh, and I get jealous when you flirt with other people....but I could never hate you."
"Is this a joke?" I asked, my throat dry. "You love me back..?"
"Yes I love you....!.....back?" Shiro asked, realization coursing through his face when he processed my words. "Wait you love me?"
"Duh!" I giggled, relishing in the sound. Damn, it's been so long since I laughed. "Who wouldn't fall in love with a gorgeous, hot, buff, incredible, nice and all together awesome person like you!"
Shiro blushed, his nose scar contrasting nicely against the red flush on his face. "Lance.....can I kiss you?"
"Mmm...I think so." I teased. Shiro smiled and crossed the room and took my face in his hands and kissed me. I kissed him back for a long time before he broke away and lifted the journal. He took out an alien sharpie and crossed out the title, and wrote a new one.
Reasons why Shiro Loves me
