"Shit..." Keith said. "Thats...."
"That's basically how he got me to do anything." I said. "He'd just hang someone I cared about over my head until I'd comply. It was a never ending cycle. Until we left for space."
"Even at the garrison?" Hunk asked. I nodded my head. "Oh Lance..."
"It's in the past," I said, suddenly uncomfortable with where this conversation was headed. "Now all that matters is getting out of my head. No offense, but I don't want you in here."
"Yeah," Pidge nodded. "No offense but I don't exactly want to be in here."
"Coran?" Shiro called.
"Yes?" Coran answered swiftly. I forgot he was even here.
"How do we get out of here?" I asked. "We did what you said. We've gone through the most painful of my memories. Now what?"
"Now you must face the one you fear most." Coran responded.
"Who I fear most...?" I asked.
"Me." a hauntingly familiar voice responded. I froze and turned to see Papa standing there, leaning against the wall and eyeing me with disdain. "So this is where you've been. You've traded one life of crime for another. Typical."
"I'm not a criminal," I snapped. "I'm saving the world."
"By killing people?" he said. "Looks like you're doing the exact same thing."
"No...I...it's different! I'm different!" I called. Papa laughed, the sound dark and hollow. I shivered. I knew he wasn't here...but it felt so real. Gooseflesh crawled up my arms at the noise.
"Really?" he spat. "You're still pulling a trigger. Looks like some lessons just..stick with ya."
"I hate you." I snarled.
"Oh, I know," Papa smirked. "But not as much as you hate yourself."
I blanched. "W-what?"
"You despise yourself for what you are...what you've become. A cold blooded killer. Absolutely heartless. You yearn for someone to come and take this pain away. You hate how weak you are. How you're nothing more than the fuck-up from Cuba. How you'll never amount to anything in life," Papa said, smiling his demented smile. "You can't lie to me, Alejandro, I'm inside your head.
"Lance..is that true?" Hunk asked, concern evident in his eyes.
"No of course not!" I brushed him off.
"Of course it is!" Papa shouted. "Don't believe me? Take it from him!"
Suddenly we were in the hull of the blue lion. Lance was huddled in the corner, sobbing. Everyone heard the comforting purrs blue sent to him but Lance only cried harder.
"I don't know what to do, blue," Lance wailed. "I love being your paladin but I'm so bad at it. It's a miracle they haven't replaced me yet. But sooner or later they're going to realize they got a worthless, good-for-nothing, motherfucking loser to be your paladin!"
We were back in the shooting range.
The team stared at me in horror yet I couldn't bring myself to face them. Instead I only glared at Papa. "Fine! So what if I hate myself? Not like you care!"
For a second I thought I saw flicker of pain on his face. But it was soon masked with a sneer. "Of course I don't care! I never cared for you or about you! Never!"
"I already knew that!" I shouted. "So what the fuck are you doing here?!"
"Helping you!" he screamed. I scoffed.
"Help me what? Loose more of my sanity?" there it was again. That small tiny flicker of pain underneath all his pride and ego. It was almost like he was...
Oh.
Fuck.
"You're me." I whispered. He stared at me, as well as the rest of the team, not understanding what I was saying. "You're me." I said louder.
"What are you talking about Alejandro?" Papa snorted.
"You are me," I said stronger. I glared at him, daring him to disagree. "You are all the things I am afraid of becoming. Cold." I took a step forward. "Heartless." I stepped forward again. He was backing away from me. "Alone. Sad. Unloved. And full of spite and wickedness. It's not my father I'm afraid of. It's me. I'm afraid of what I'll become."
Papa's features smoothed into a grin. A true grin, not a sarcastic one filled with hate. "Finally figured it out did you?" he asked before he shifted forms, turning into..me. I stared into my own eyes. "This is what you'll become. Just like him."
"No," I said, defying his proclamation. "I won't become like Papa. Papa was alone. He was sad. And he was cruel. But I won't become like that because I have a family. I have friends. I'm not alone. I never was," I said, sticking my chin out to make him feel smaller. "And it took going through my memories, and facing a really creepy version of myself to see that."
The room faded into white and when I opened my eyes we were lying in a heap on the training room floor of the castle. I propped myself up on one elbow and looked around. Everyone else was slowly rousing from their unnatural sleep. Pidge sat up and groggily wiped her eyes and looked around before jumping up and crushing me in a tight hug.
"Lance!" she cried. "Thank god you're okay!"
"You're an atheist," I pointed out.
"Fine, thank macaroni and cheese you're okay," Pidge said. "They're pretty much synonminis."
I chuckled. "Sure thing, Pidgey, whatever you say."
"Lance," Shiro said. I looked up to see the rest of the team up and smiling. I smiled warmly.
"Yes?" I asked.
"We need to have a little talk," he said. My smile dropped. Was he going to kick me out because I killed people? Shiro saw my worried expression and smiled. "Don't worry, you're not in trouble."
"O..kay..?" I said. "What's up?"
"I just want you to know that you're a valued and loved member of this team. We could never, ever replace you. Okay?" Shiro asked.
I nodded, for once actually believing him. "Yep. I know now. Guess that trip down memory lane wasn't useless after all."
