grasping onto something i cannot see

seventeen

it was weird how comfortable i felt at phil's house. before i knew it, i was plopping onto the couch with my pajamas on and turning on reruns of house hunters: international.

the day of christmas eve went by slowly, with phil and i mainly spending it watching tv and not doing anything nearly productive.

"are you ready to open presents tonight?" phil asked.

i, although lacking in sight, make up for it in being a generally amazing human being, and i had actually remembered to get phil a gift. i hoped he liked it, but i really wasn't sure. "sure."

"my parents told me they got you something," he said. "but if it's some blind thing just pretend you like it, okay?"

"some blind thing? what? a cane? a pair of those really obnoxious black glasses?" i asked.

phil laughed. "they wouldn't go that far. but sometimes their version of caring can be a little...much."

"at least your parents care about you at all," i muttered under my breath. phil took this harder than i thought, sitting up and hugging me instantly. "no, i'm sorry, dan. i didn't mean to be insensitive."

"it's really okay," i said. "i've learned to cope."

"well, you shouldn't have had to cope with anything at all," he replied indignantly. "but don't worry -- i love you more than anyone in this entire world combined."

"i don't know, sometimes maggie sleeps on my chest," i replied. "why don't you ever do that?"

"shut up," phil said in a funny way.

that night, everyone opened presents and pretended it wasn't totally abnormal for me to grope a gift and try feeling it, smelling it, and listening to it before finally giving up and asking phil what it was.

phil's parents got me a new harness and leash for maggie, which i really appreciated. they also got maggie a little dog sweater because "those london winters can be pretty brutal". for me, they gave me some american candy that phil had told them i had wanted to try.

"i really love all of this, thank you so much," i said to them. i couldn't remember the last christmas i had that wasn't spent with gram, and neither of us were good at gift giving so usually it was just fake "thank yous" on both ends.

phil had graciously given his parents gifts with a tag that read from both of us, because there was no way i could have chosen something for them on my own.

it was finally time for phil and i to exchange gifts; and it almost felt weird doing it in front of a group of people. phil gave me mine first. it was in a bag, which i mentally thanked him for so i didn't have to rip off paper blindly.

i knew instantly what i was holding: a leatherbound journal. it felt intricate, as if it were handmade and very delicately designed. i felt it for a while, opening its beautiful cover and smelling in the scent of hand-sewn pages. i was in awe of how much i loved this simple gift.

"you say such beautiful things sometimes," phil said. "i figured maybe one day you'd like to write some of them down."

i hugged the journal to my chest. "thank you so much," i said.

"oh! and i had it inscribed on the back," phil said. "i didn't want to put it in braille because i thought you'd get offended," he laughed a little, and i smiled at him.

"what does it say?" i asked.

phil hesitated before leaning close and whispering into my ear: "no ocean made of ink nor sky made of paper can possibly create the words needed to express how much i love you."

"it isn't as pretty as something you'd say," phil continued, "but i hope you get the message."

i leaned forward and kissed him, wiping a tear or two from my useless eyes. "this is the best gift i have ever gotten. i love you."

i gave phil a wrapped gift, to which his mom exclaimed, "did you really wrap that yourself?" before phil's dad whispered for her to be quiet.

"a book," phil mumbled to himself, turning it to see the title. "oh! oliver twist. my absolute favorite--"

"look inside," i said. phil opened the book to reveal several pressed leaves and flowers folded in its pages.

"what is this?" he asked kindly.

"do you remember our first picnic? in the park where it was freezing?" i said. "well, i'm a nostalgic kind of person, so i saved those leaves and flowers from where we sat."

phil seemed touched. "dan, this is such a sweet gift," he said. "thank you. i love you so much, oh my god."

i had no idea how his family was dealing with us showing each other so much affection. if i were them, i would be throwing up.

"dessert, anyone?" phil's mum asked, standing up.

"sounds great," phil and i said at the same time.