grasping onto something i cannot see

twelve

love had always been a foreign thing to me. it's like in maths class when you've been asleep half of class and then waking up and wondering what the hell is going on. except a little more magical.

phil was no ordinary person. he was a force of nature, a windstorm that swept me off my feet. he was the sound of rain on tin roofs, the feeling of a dog laying on your lap, and the crackling of fire outside on a chilly autumn night all combined into one. he made me feel alive—he gave me my sight.

i couldn't see phil, yes, but i could sense him. i could sense the way his smile made his face light up, or how he hugged me so sweetly and so tightly like it was the last hug he would ever give me. i couldn't see his eyes but i knew they were an ocean, as beautiful and alive as waves lapping onto the shore, ready to pull me in and take me on the adventure of my life.

"dan...dan...dan?" my name in phil's voice seeped into my subconscious as i snapped out of my dream state. "oh, sorry, what?"

"i asked if you wanted hot chocolate, silly." phil said from behind me. i graciously nodded.

he sat next to me on the couch, handing me a mug. "what were you thinking about?"

"you," i said, drinking the hot chocolate and feeling warmth spread to my fingertips and toes in a comforting way.

"tell me everything, then," phil said sweetly. i briefly hesitated—what if i overshared and made a fool of myself, and then phil left? panic struck my heart as i envisioned never getting a hug from him again, or not being able to sleep on his broad chest and listen to the beat of his heart.

"umm," i said eloquently.

"you can tell me anything, dan," phil reminded me. "literally anything."

"i think i'm in love with you," i blurted out, without thinking. fuck.

phil paused. "really, dan? you are?" i couldn't sense his tone. my heart decided to beat a million times faster than usual as i struggled to explain myself.

"i'm sorry, i didn't mean to say that so...so forwardly, i was just thinking earlier about your eyes and your hugs and how you're, like, the only person in my life who i've ever felt safe with, and i don't know, i'm not used to loving people who aren't my gram and i didn't know how to tell you because i know it's so sudden, and maybe you—"

phil interrupted me by cupping the sides of my face and kissing me. immediately, i felt the panic in my chest dissipate as i melted into the kiss. he was so gentle, as if he thought i could break if he wasn't careful with me.

i knew for certain now. i was hopelessly, completely, irreversibly in love with phil lester. i didn't care how quickly it happened, i didn't care that he might not feel the same way, and i didn't care that i was blind and would never get to see him. he was all i had ever wanted and more. this, to me, was perfection.

phil pulled away, slowly. i fought the urge to pull him back in again. "dan..."

i held my breath as i anticipated what was to come.

"i love you too." my entire chest exploded.

"oh my god," i said. i tackle-hugged him, peppering his stubbly face with kisses as i felt relief wash through me like high tide.

i suddenly felt something weird coming out of my eyes. tears? i can't remember the last time i had cried, even when i was a kid.

"you're crying," phil said so softly it was almost a whisper. he brushed away my tears with his thumbs. "dan, you're really crying over me?"

"yes," i said, not believing it myself. it seemed like my happiness just overflowed and came out my eyes. at least they were good for something, right?

phil laughed lightly. "you're adorable. you mean so much to me. more than you could ever know."

i laughed at his sweet remark as i wiped the tears falling down my red cheeks. "i wish the sun were shining right now," i said, turning my head towards the window. "it would make everything even more perfect."

"the sun is always shining, even if you can't see it," phil replied.