grasping onto something i cannot see

sixteen

i could talk about the impossible flight -- the six hour delay, the very large man that somehow got a seat between me and phil, the Great Peanut Calamity (don't ask), or the turbulence toward the end that sent me into a blind terrified rage -- but i'll skip to the part where phil, me, gram, and magnolia arrived at phil's parents house.

"this place is gorgeous," my gram remarked. "i've never seen any place like it."

"me neither," i said. "i'm blinded by its beauty."

"shut up," phil said, giggling as he hit me playfully. my gram just pity laughed in my direction.

i heard a door open and an older lady's voice. "well hello there, you all!" she said. "did you have a good flight?"

"uh--yeah, yes, it was, it was something," phil and i fumbled out at the same time. gram was asleep in the row behind us the entire flight, so she had no idea of the near-apocalypse that had occurred.

"come in!" the lady i guessed to be phil's mum ushered us inside. i felt hardwood floors under my feet, and voices echoed greatly as if phil's parents had a very big house.

"phil, can you escort dan and his grandma to the guest rooms?" she asked. phil led us to a smaller hallway in which two adjacent rooms stood at the end. phil and i had the room on the right.

"i'm kinda nervous," i said. "she seems nice but what if she's like, racist against blind people?"

phil laughed. "dan, i can promise you she is not. you have nothing to worry about. if i love you, i promise they will too."

i reached up on my tiptoes to kiss phil. we melted into it, and i fought the urge to do something more than kissing. "later," phil whispered in my ear, giving me chills.

"if you're lucky," i responded. "not everyone can get this sweet ass." phil must have rolled his eyes about seventeen times.

"hungry?" he asked.

"starving."

when we came back into the main room, phil introduced me to his parents. his father was a soft spoken but friendly man, and his mum was friendly as well, but more outspoken.

we sat on the couch and chatted for a while while phil's parents finished dinner. once it was done, it smelled a m a z i n g. i was very glad at that moment that my sense of smell was heightened.

the dinner table talk was...a bit awkward. i guess it's hard to get used to your son's blind boyfriend, his service dog, and his elderly grandmother. (it sounds like a setup to a joke) -- but phil's parents tried their best.

"so, dan, what are you interested in?" phil's mum said. i had no idea what to say. the backstreet boys? vintage doorknobs? taxidermy?

i went with the most impressive, but also most vague, answer. "this and that. i like movie-watching, and playing the piano, and cooking." phil's mom made a "hmm" of approval.

there was another awkward silence before i dropped my silverware onto my plate. "you know, you can talk about my blindness."

phil's parents went silent, but i could tell they were looking at me.

i continued. "there's no tragic backstory or anything. i just woke up one day and poof, i'm blind. and then i got used to it. and now, here i am, in love with a boy that i wouldn't have even met if it weren't for my blind bumbling self tackling him in a grocery store. so yeah, if you want to know anything, just ask. i also make jokes about it all the time--don't be afraid to laugh." i picked up my silverware, ignoring the heat that had spread to my cheeks after my dinner table speech.

i felt phil grab my hand under the table and squeeze it, three times. i love you.

i squeezed his, four times. i love you more.

phil's parents both sighed, as if a weight had been lifted off of their shoulders. his mum, the spokesperson of the two, spoke. "i'm sorry, dan, i didn't mean to be rude by not bringing it up. it's just...so foreign to me, and i didn't want to bother you. but can i just ask one thing?"

"of course," i answered.

"how do you cope with not being able to see phil?"

i was sort of expecting this question, but it still sent a tiny needle of pain through my heart.

"i don't need to see him to love him, ma'am. phil is everything to me; his eyes are ocean blue, which represent his ability to take you on a journey you've never been on before. his hair is black as the night, which is what you're willing to go through with him to see the beautiful stars. his smile, bright as the sun, can penetrate through even my blindness when he shows it. i can't see him on the outside, but i can see him on the inside -- and what a beautiful, beautiful creature he is. phil is what makes my blindness seem like a gift; not a curse."

everyone fell silent again. i didn't know if i had said something wrong or went too much into it or what, but soon phil's dad spoke. "you're a good boy for our son, dan," he said.

"yes, you are," his mum agreed. "i've never seen anyone make him cry before."

"oh my god," i said, reaching for phil's face. "you're crying? i didn't mean to make you cry..."

"no, i'm fine," phil said. "you just have a way with words that gets to me sometimes."

"you're such a softie," i said teasingly.

"whatever, blindy," he said in response. ah, i love cute pet names.

"philip michael--" phil's mum began to scold him, but my laughing cut her off.

once the dinner was over, it was pretty late and jet lag had gotten the best of us, so we retreated to our rooms.

phil plopped down on the bed, and i laid beside him. "i'm so in love with you, it's driving me crazy."

"hm. are you? what a shame. i'm currently in a committed relationship."

"with whom?"

"i don't know. this weirdo."

"is he hot?"

"how the fuck am i supposed to know?" phil laughed at my comment.

"i am hot, you know."

"yeah? prove it."

and damn. he did.

i woke up on christmas eve very sore.