grasping onto something i cannot see

one

waking up is so annoying.

it's never like you see in the movies, where a person softly opens their eyes to the song of birds and delicate sunlight beams on their face, warm and refreshed from their long slumber. where i live, you wake up to some sort of siren at 5 in the morning and then realize you really have to pee, only to not be able to fall back asleep once you get back to bed. my sleep schedule is fucked.

a lot of people ask me how i know whether it's morning or night. it's a mixture between basic human intuition and the fact that i can just ask siri what time it is. welcome to the 21st century.

there are moments, however, where i see a vague glow behind my eyelids but only when direct sunlight hits my face...and as i've said before, i don't go outside.

so as i woke up on this bleak december morning and siri told me it was exactly 6:13 in the morning, i wasn't really expecting to have a good day.

i begrudgingly rose from my bed, silently cursing the city of london for being so loud at all hours of the day, and went to shower. magnolia followed me as soon as i got up, and sat right beside the bathroom door. after that, i got some cereal for me and dog food for maggie and asked siri to read my notifications. there was really nothing new - a few tweets from people i follow, some news headlines, and a missed call from my gram. i called her back to see what she wanted.

"hi daniel," she said as she picked up the phone before the first ring ended. "you're up early today, aren't you?"

"unfortunately yes," i responded in my best angsty 'life is hard' tone. "i can never get a good night's sleep with all the traffic and sirens and people just outside my flat."

"that's what you get for moving to london, dear," my grandmother reminded me. "anyway, i wanted to see whether you needed anything from the store."

this was routine - gram gets all of my groceries and brings them to my flat. she babies me so much, but it is nice to have someone help me do everything.

"yeah, actually i do..." i thought for a few moments before settling on a (scary) decision. "you know what? i'll go with you today. it's been a while since i've gotten some fresh air."

gram's tone turned concerned. "are you sure, daniel? i don't want you to get overwhelmed."

"i'm sure. i think it'll be good for me, don't you?" for the first time in, i don't know, years...i was feeling optimistic.

"maybe you're right. i'll be over to pick you up in a few minutes, okay?"

"okay. love you." i hung up the phone. i tried adjusting my curls as best as i could, and felt to make sure i wore the correct pair of jeans today.

the strangest thing about blindness is not being able to see yourself. i was so young before it happened, all i can remember is looking down and seeing my chubby hands and long legs. i remember mum saying how pretty she thought my eyes were--like a setting sun. i also remember her frustration as she tried to comb out my thick, tangled curls. i got them from my dad.

as i was putting on magnolia's leash and reminiscing on the days i missed so dearly, i heard gram knock on my door. magnolia barked exactly three times.

"ready, dear?" i heard gram ask. i grabbed my phone and magnolia's leash and headed out the door. this would be an interesting experience, if nothing else.