Love Somebody

28. Deep.and hard

It's been days - I don't know how long but it's been days since Bathseeba started avoiding me. Hindi ko maintindihan. Sinabi niya sa airport na mahal niya ako. Kung mahal niya ako, bakit hindi kami magkasama ngayon? Ilang araw na ring umalis si Cedes. Hindi ko alam kung kasama ba sa usapan nilang dalawa ang pag-iwas sa akin but I doubt it - the way Cedes treated Bathseeba at the airport - alam kong hindi na sila magkaibigan. 

I was at the bar that night. I was trying to drown this loneliness I feel. Mula nang makilala ko nang husto si Bathseeba ay marami na akong nararamdaman na hindi ko naman nararamdaman noon. I learned how to pity other - I was heartless before. Sa mga kapatid ko lang ako mabait. I even hate my cousins. The competition between us - Sancho and Luke's children - matindi ang kompetisyon namin sa kanila. We have this thought in mind - that we are born to be the best - we're Consunjis and all three of us deserves the best. We never have to be second choice - pero sa mga anak ni Uncle Sancho - sa pamilya namin - we were always the second best. Laging si Yto, laging si Yllak.  Hera hates Yto to her bones. I hate Yllak so much too - but right now - right after my loss - right after Mama left - I realized that hating Yllak was very childish. I should never hate him. Hindi niya kasalanan na siya ang gusto ni Yna noon. I saw the two of them last night at Uncle Sancho's porch - they looked so happy. Ganoon din naman ang gusto ko noon - ang mapasaya si Yna and I could see that Yllak is doing a great job on it. 

I ordered my fourth glass of whiskey - noon biglang may tumapik sa balikat ko. I looked at my left and I saw Leighton "Yna" Santillan smiling at me. She was wearing a white knee length dress. Nakalugay ang buhok niya habang ngiting-ngiti. 

"Hi, Superman!" She greeted me. Napangiti ako. Yna used to call me superman because I always saved her back then. Ako palagi ang tagapagtanggol niya tuwing nabu-bully siya ni Yllak noong mga bata pa kami. I smiled back. "We're here for Yvo. He's very drunk. Yllak's working on him. Then I saw you. May problema ka ba?" Tanong niya sa akin. Nakangiti lang ako tapos ay ininom ko ang baso ng whiskey na nasa mga kamay ko. I sighed deeply. 

"There's this girl..." Mahinang wika ko. Nakita kong parang natulala. I grinned. I know what she's thinking. 

"Iyong nakita ko sa apartment mo last year? Iyong hubad?!" Nagmwestra pa siya ng kamay. Tawa naman ako nang tawa. Yna is so cute!

"Hindi. That's Mercedes. I was talking about  Bathseeba." 

"King David's other woman?" 

"Was she?" Tanong ko. Kaya pala pamilyar ang pangalan ni Bathseeba sa akin. I read her name on the bible. I just sighed. "I'm in love with her."

"Are you really? Or you're just in love with the thought of being in love with her? Parang ikaw noon sa akin." Ngumisi siya. Umiling ako. Paano ko ba ipapaliwanag kay Yna na hindi ito tulad ng dati? Huminga ako nang malalim at saka sumenyas sa bartender. 

"You know the feeling - that you were looking for something all your life and there's this big hole in your heart and then you met someone and suddenly and automatically the hole just vanished and you feel like the jigsaw puzzle inside your being is completed?" 

"Yeah..." Na-aamaze na wika ni Yna. I smiled. 

"That's the feeling." 

"Then what's keeping you from her?" Nagtataka na siya ngayon. I nlooked away for a second. Gusto kong mag-isip ng mga tamang salita pero wala akong maisip talaga.

"Siya at ang selflesness niya." I sighed again. "Mahal daw niya ako pero parang mas mahal niya si Cedes - you know the naked girl in my apartment last year."

"Wait, bakit magkakilala sila?" Tanong pa niya.

"Best friends." Simpleng sabi ko. Napaawang ang labi ni Yna. Bigla ay sinampal niya ako tapos ay sinabuyan ng whiskey sa mukha. Napatayo ako. I saw Yllak on the side of my eye. Mukhang nabigla din siya pero nauwi sa ngisi ang reaksyon niya.