Unbearable Weight of Leaves

Separation Anxiety pt 1

Gaara

The rapping at the door was sharp to my ears. Irritating. I felt the need to murder something getting stronger again. For a while the simple presence of Kimi was enough to keep my usual cravings at bay, but since Naruto woke back up...

I was not so very lucky. I was acutely aware there was a possibility there was something quite wrong with me. Not the usual, more acceptable ex serial killer sort of wrong with me, if it were in fact acceptable, which I highly doubted but I did somehow become the ruler of this place. The entire concept of it amused me at times. No, not for that but the more, not quite as acceptable kind which led a man to completely avoid his own wife and keep her own child from her due to his own selfishness sort of wrong with me.

"Gaara." I heard the muffled voice of my annoying sister penetrating the door and I shoved more sand in between us, blocking her out, muffling her voice more than it already was. Even with the sand, I could still hear her though. The woman was loud, I will credit her there.

I however, was simply not in the mood to deal with her. I was not in the mood to speak to Kankuro. I was not in the mood to talk to Shinki, Baki, either council or...

Anything moving or breathing outside of the tiny thing in my arms. Who was also getting annoyed by the commotion outside the door, or was picking up on my mood. With a sigh I shifted her in my arms but it only caused her more distress. Her fusses turned into more of a whimper and I shifted her to my shoulder. I rubbed firm circles on her back, which usually calmed her down but...

A shrill cry erupted from her little mouth. I felt a tightening in my throat and I started to spew nonsensical words at her in hopes she would calm, yet to no avail. The cry only became louder, more shrill, more demanding.

A roar sounded from the door and sand blasted into the room as well as wood fragments. I had just enough time to shield Kimi from the blast and I glared at the figure of a seething mad woman in the doorway holding a giant fan. I should kill her for this. Not just for the door, but for upsetting my baby. My stomach twisted at the thought of mine and my anger was renewed tenfold as I thought about Temari upsetting her.

She was going to die for this. I moved my hand off of her back, started to gather sand and prepared myself. It would be simple. I could easily penetrate her defenses. I could destroy the evidence. Her family already left towards Konoha. I could blame her disappearance on attackers on her way back to Konoha, I...

I dropped the sand when my ears were pierced by even more persistent cries from my little Kimi. "Shh." I bounced her a little. Nothing. Her cries persisted. Why was she crying? Why was this not working? How do I make her happy?

I want her happy. Why can't I make her happy? I felt my body stiffen as I worried on it, I felt the sand on my skin begin to crack. I heard my name, but I didn't care. My name didn't matter. Nothing beyond Kimi mattered. I needed to calm her down.

Why was she crying?

Why? I gave her a bottle not a half hour ago. She was clean, she shouldn't be tired.

I was frozen. Frozen as she cried. Frozen as she was pried from my arms. Frozen as the crying stopped the instant she was away from me.

There was something wrong with me. What have I been thinking? How could I be a good father to her when I had no idea what to do? When I had no idea what being a good parent really entailed. I wanted to be better. I have to be better.

I don't think I can.

I don't...

"Gaara?"

What business did I have being a father? Me. The entire notion was somewhat inconceivable to me. To anyone who knew me for what I was.