MerAdd Oneshots

I don't deserve to be loved

Hot tears swept down my face, leaving tracks on my cheeks in their wake, making their way down, down, down, tumbling from my chin. Despite the growing puddle, I sobbed on.

Derek and I had just gotten into a fight, our worst one since I'd gotten to Seattle. He'd screamed, I'd screamed, and we both said some pretty hateful things. But he drew the line when I confessed something to him, and he got angry.

You wasted my time Addison, ten fucking years! You knew and you played me you hateful, petty, spiteful bitch.

His words rang over and over in my head, making me nearly sick to my stomach. But that wasn't even the worst part, the worst part was right before he left.

You don't deserve to be loved.

I didn't think he was wrong; after all I'd done, all I'd fucked up in my life, how could anyone love me? Why would anyone love a woman who had gotten divorced from a man she cheated on?

Self hatred was prominent as I cried in the bathroom at Joe's bar, after downing two shots like a pro. By the end of the night, I was planning on being wasted. I didn't want to remember anything about this night.

After wiping my face and becoming somewhat presentable, I made my way out to find a seat at the bar. Joe's smiling face met my sad one, and without a word he knew what I wanted, and was pouring me a gin and tonic.

"And a shot" I sigh "or two. Tequila, please" I'd been doing a lot of drinking since moving to Seattle, more than I ever had before. I was never much of a heavy drinker, wine drunk seemed to be the best I had in me back in New York. But here, with Derek and all of my problems constantly smacking me in the face, I found solace in empty bottles.

"You've been here every night this week" Joe points out "you should take it easy tonight" he gives me one shot, and a gin and tonic. I know without asking this shot will be my only one, so I down it like a pro and move on to sip my drink.

"Hey, Addison" Meredith Grey sits next to me, a rum and coke in her own hand as she slides easily into the chair, her glass perspiring from the melting ice leaving a ring on an otherwise perfect red napkin.

"Meredith" I greet. Meredith and I were friends, well, friends enough. We talked sometimes, but never outside of work. And we sure as hell never drank together.

"You've been here every night this week" she points out, the second time I'd heard that all night "are you all right?"

I sigh miserably, and shake my head no. I don't have it in me to lie, any other night I would've without blinking an eye, but exhaustion takes over and I can't find the effort it would take to fake a happy demeanour.

"If you want to talk, we can. I'm open to listening" she smiles encouragingly, as I down my drink and signal for another.

"If I'm going to talk about it, I need another drink" I murmur, as a full glass is placed in front of me. "Derek and I fight tooth and nail over everything. And tonight was no different, worse, if anything"

She nods understandingly, and sips her own drink gently. "Derek's a hot head, and anything he said isn't true. You know that"

You know that.

But I don't. I don't know how to faze out his words, how to make them untrue. They're all accurate, they're not lies in any way. And I can't make them stop ringing in my ears, as if I'd heard a gunshot in place of words.

"But it is true" I shrug "the truth hurts. That's why I'm here-to make it all just go away" I can feel the alcohol buzzing in my veins as I'm nearly finished with drink two. I couldn't tell if it was making me sad or calming me down, maybe a mix of both.

"What did he say?" Meredith asks "I've known you a while now, and I'm willing to tell you the truth" and I know she will be truthful, which almost makes it harder to tell her. I know she'll tell me it is true, and I'll lose myself down a bottle the same way I'd done the past several nights.

Sombrely, I look her dead in the eyes and tell her.

"He said I don't deserve to be loved. And he's right; I don't"

My eyes are burning, even without a mirror I can tell they're red and I'm pretty sure they've got dark rings around them. Strings of stray hair hangs around my face, falling out of the perfect bun it started out as. I'm a mess, and it doesn't take an expert to prove it.

"Oh Addie" her eyes soften, and she reaches out to put a hand over my own "You deserve to be loved" she looks at me with a certain softness about her, something I'd never seen before. Something I'd never been shown.

"You are extraordinary" she says, squeezing my hand "you're a force of nature, unstoppable even in the hardest of times. You're absolutely and utterly strong, and that strength makes you beautiful"

In awe, I sat and looked at Meredith in a whole new light. Gone was the clueless little girl who'd accidentally gotten involved with a married man, she was replaced with a wise woman, aged beyond her years, with a heart of gold and a mind of diamonds. And as her eyes stayed focused on mine, I believed in that moment I would've frozen time, to keep this exquisite moment as fresh in my memory as possible.

Even without freezing the moment, I knew I'd never forget it. Not in a million years.