Summer After High School

30

Paige

When Kyle, told me he was behind us, I thought he was joking. I wasn't sure I could handle being close in the same physical space with him, I didn't even want to imagine it, so my mind proceeded to assume that it was a joke.

Sad, isn't it? How the mind makes assumptions to conceal the reality that it doesn't want to believe.

But it wasn't a joke. Kyle whispered before leaving, asking me to call him if anything went wrong. Even when he left, I still didn't want to believe that Brian was behind me. I didn't want to believe it but when I heard his voice, I had to.

The tears in my eyes blur my vision now as I aimlessly walk around after my encounter with him. He has some nerve, showing up here and asking me if we can have another chance someday. And all those claims about him being hurt, Am I supposed to believe that? Am I supposed to believe he regrets his actions cause I saw him crying? People are good with acting, they can act in a certain way they know will make you  sympathetic towards them so that they can manipulate you. I'm doing letting him manipulate me. But I worry, what if, what if he's actually feeling pain? What if he's not acting? What if I was too harsh on him?

What's even wrong with me? I'm supposed to be okay with him hurting because he has hurt me in many ways that my heart wasn't able to bear. I'm supposed to be okay with him feeling even a minuscule amount of the pain I'm feeling. I really thought I'd be okay with him suffering, but if I what saw tonight was not an act, then I'm not okay with it. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to get back together with him. At times I do miss what we had but I don't want him back. Just because I don't want him back, though doesn't mean that I want to enjoy watching him suffer. I don't want him to go through the kind of pain I'm feeling, I don't want anyone to go through something like that.

"Paige, " I hear my name being called but I don't answer.

"Everything's going to be okay, Paige, " a soft voice says, pulling me into an embrace.

I don't even have to look at him to identify him. The embrace says it all, he smells like comfort.

"I'm scared, Kyle. You all keep saying everything is going to be okay, but what if it doesn't? I just feel like my life is getting worse daily. "

"Paige, you're hurt. It's okay to feel like this, the pain you're feeling, it's totally normal because you're human but Paige, the pain won't last forever. Pain visits for a reason, pain visits to teach us and when it's done with it's work, it leaves. Pain doesn't last forever. "

I want to believe him, I really want to. But how can I? When everything keeps going wrong?

"I don't want to feel anymore, it hurts so much, I don't want to feel anymore, " I say, holding him tighter and sobbing against his chest.

"That's like saying you don't want to be human anymore. Pain is a necessity for humans. It's okay to feel pain, it is. But it's not okay to let pain take over you, it's not okay to let it kill the part of you that feels," he says.

He's still saying something but all I can hear are jumbled words coming from a far distance. I just want to stop feeling this way.

"I can't go home this way. I don't want them to see me like this. I don't even want to see my dad, recently, I confirmed he is actually cheating on my mum. I read his texts and.. " I break into sobs and he holds me even tighter.

We remain in each other arms for a few minutes. I'm sobbing and he's holding me like he's afraid I'll crumble if he leaves me. His lips are planting gentle kisses on my hair. He is comforting me without uttering a single word. Without speaking, he's letting me know that he'll always be here for me, that he believes I'll be fine.