Suicide[ON HOLD]

Everything has Changed

“What do I do?” I asked him. I panicked now unable to control my beating heart. He grabbed my hand and spoke in a gentle tone, “You get to see him in two weeks, I explained your unfortunate circumstances and how young you were when you had him. They understood and they agreed to have a meeting.” I looked at him, I couldn't believe the lengths he went to see me satisfied, and to give me something I knew would take years.

            That night as Cody and I lay in bed, I lie still, unable to shake the felling of shock that still coursed through me. How would he look? Would he remind me of my father or would I see myself in him? I didn't know quite yet what to expect so as I my mind consumed itself with the thoughts of his features I dozed off.

The next morning I was awakened by a cold sweat. Turning to see if I had jolted Cody, I soon could see that he was fast asleep. I knew after that I wouldn't be able to get any rest, also due to the lack of food in my system, I left the room and went to the kitchen. Within the fifteen minutes it took for me to whip some breakfast up, Cody was walking into the kitchen in those boxer briefs I love oh so much. “Why are you up so early?” he asked kissing my cheek. I looked at him, contemplating on whether or not to tell him what was really bothering me. Opting out of the latter choice I said, “The baby was hungry, so I figured I’d just eat something.” He shrugged his shoulders, not catching me in my lie, and began to make himself a bowl of cereal.

            I couldn’t tell him, I wouldn’t be able to, I won’t. I can’t tell him how in my nightmare this baby, the one growing inside me, was taken away. Just like my son had been. I flinched, an impulsive reaction, because all I wanted was to protect this child. Cody noticed this small gesture and asked if I was “ok”. I lied, saying the baby was just kicking. I knew I would never be able to tell Cody of my deepest fear, he wouldn’t understand, I had lost so many before this one, and I wouldn’t be able to explain the importance. The answer of why this baby absolutely had to be protected.

 

            When we arrived at school there was total chaos. The girls were obsessing over what to wear, or if they should bring extra lip gloss and hairspray. It was completely crazy and was beginning to get out of hand. I was completely zoned out as I walked to class, not noticing who had stopped in front of me. “Hey,” she said. I looked up, to see whose face accompanied this voice, and it was Brittany. I stared blankly, so she continued, “Are you going to the dance?” I nodded my head “yes”, unable to speak a word. “What are you doing afterwards?” I scoffed at that then said, “The usual: go get drunk, possibly stoned, and to top the night off I think I’ll go jump off a bridge, only if I’m dared of course.” She laughed at the joke, then I tiredly said, “Brittany, I’m pregnant, what is there for me to do. I might just go back home, eat a weird combination of foods, and go to sleep.” Although this wasn’t a joke, she laughed again, not realizing the stern look on my face.

            My thoughts began to wander. Why was she even talking to me? I mean, after all she not only tormented me, but after having enough, I beat the crap out of her. Why is she being so nice all of a sudden? “Stop,” I told her, looking into her eyes. “Where is all this coming from? Why are you being so nice?” She patted my shoulder, looked at him, and said, “What are you talking about silly? We just wanted to see if you and Cody wanted to hang out with us afterwards. So, what do you think?” She completely ignored my question, I wouldn’t let her get away with that, she wasn’t as slick as she thought she was, but with no time to spare before classes started and a baby sitting on my bladder, I said, “Sure, I’ll think about it.” I sped off to the restroom as fast as my body would allow. That was one of the things, out of all of my pregnancies that I hated, when you had to go, you had to GO.