Suicide[ON HOLD]

Wishing for the worst

That night as Cody and I settled Elizabeth down for bed we decided to watch a movie. As we lay on the couch, his arms wrapped around me, I focused on his breathing. “Zoe,” he started. “What happened to Marcus’s baby?” I straightened myself, holding my breath. I felt my chest tightening and my heart beating rapidly. I trusted him, I knew I did but the way he was able to break through my boundaries and knock down my barriers had become ridiculous. I was used to it but then again we hadn’t had a serious conversation like this in months. Could I bring myself to let this out? Something that only my memory contains note of?

I took a deep breath and thought it was just Cody. He knew everything about me. “I had a miscarriage, I told you that.” He sat up as well looking at me and asked, “Are you sure there isn’t anything else that happened? Why just a miscarriage? I know you were young but something must have happened, your dad must have noticed.”

“That’s the thing Cody, he didn’t notice. He kicked me and kicked me over and over again. Not even knowing and not even stopping when I begged him. He didn’t stop as he threw me against walls and doors. He didn’t care that’s why he never noticed, because he didn’t give fuck about me.” I choked out. He stared at me, not willing to speak, waiting for me to finish.

“A couple days later when I went to school I had outrageous stomach cramps. The teacher sent me to the nurse and when I refused to have her take a look at my stomach she sent me home. Telling me that she could do nothing to help if I wouldn’t show her my stomach to begin with. So, I didn’t because underneath my shirt were those bruises, big blue and purple bruises. She would know if I showed her and then he would really kill me.”

My lungs tightened as I continued, knowing where this story would end.

“When I got to the house I had to pee really bad so I rushed to the bathroom. During I felt strange, like I hadn’t just peed. I felt pressure and it was all really weird for me. I looked down and there she was in the toilet bowl, her body not fully formed, but she was there. Blood was everywhere and I didn’t know what to do. I picked her up, holding her and crying for the longest because I knew she couldn’t stay with me. I knew that she was dead because I had let her down and couldn’t protect her. I buried her under the swing set in this playground I found with my mother.”

Thinking back to how I had wrapped her fragile body inside of a blanket, the one that my mother had given me, and placed her inside of my backpack. I walked the entire way there, afraid someone would catch me and wonder what I was doing with a dead baby. That day still haunted my memory, forcing its’ way in whenever I looked at Lizzy, she was my miracle.

“From time to time I visit that park and I sit on that swing set and I can feel her with me. I can picture how she would look now, somewhat similar to Lizzy. It pains me knowing that Lizzy missed out on a chance of having a big sister but I’m happy for my baby because she’s not here, she’s somewhere else. If she had been here when I was still with my dad she would’ve been dead anyway or taken away from me.”

I finished with that. Not wanting to discuss anymore because that was all I had left in me. I had forever held these secrets in. Keeping them in only my memory and my mind. I was weak, had spilled over of all my weaknesses, I was free of the things that brought me sadness. There was a pang in my heart once I realized that I could let go and they would just be memories. All the pain that had been brought to me would just be memories. I let Cody pull me into his arms, holding me close, and for the last time I let go.

“You’ve been through so much Zoe but that is what makes you strong. You’re here with me and have a wonderful family, if you were able to get here despite all the obstacles, you can get anywhere you want,” he said, soothing me.