Suicide[ON HOLD]

The truth may be the greatest relief

“The day before, I had thought about it. The voices of my subconscious haunting my dreams. I remember coming right home after school since he always expected that of me,” I said.

“I expected him to be passed out drunk as I made myself something to eat. He had indeed been passed out but not for long. He stalked in the kitchen, carrying his beer, and sat on the couch. There he watched me, taunting me, and I have no clue, to this day, why he brought this up but he did.”

She looked at me puzzled but not saying anything. I continued.

“He told me that Elijah deserved to be taken away from me. That I would’ve been a shit mother anyway. He told me that that would be the only child I would feel grow inside me. That no one else would want me after he was done with me. He said that I would never be anyone else’s but his, that’s what I was there for, only for him.”

I paused, taking a breath, trying to calm my shaking.

“I had kept my back to him and ignored his glare. It was then that I felt him hovering over me, making me cower in fear as he spat those words into my ear,  ‘I’ll keep you as mine forever, I’ll molest you until I grow tired, and then I’ll kill you.’ “

 

I couldn’t breathe then. Couldn’t relax my shaking. I felt as if I was crumbling but there was just one thing missing. I wasn’t the one crying. When I felt the moisture hit my hands I had suspected that tears began to pool out of my eyes but it was Britt, she had begun to cry. While, I, myself was having a Parkinson’s fit. I went on to tell her how the next day I knew I had to get rid of myself on my own doing. That I couldn’t allow him to be the one to take me. Embarrassed to ‘off’ myself at home I decided somewhere out of school would be the best place, the perfect alternative.

 “What happened?” she asked.  “How did you end up in the girls’ restroom? Why there? Why at school?

“I had no choice. Coach caught me sneaking off during gym. She sent me to detention. While I was there I snuck out, headed to the girls’ restroom, and it came to me. I could do it here,” I explained. “I couldn’t wait any longer. His voice and what he said kept playing over and over in my head. I couldn’t escape no matter how much I wanted to. He would always find me. I knew that if I didn’t do this I would never escape.”

Pausing only to make sure Elizabeth was still asleep I went on to tell her what happened next while I was in the restroom.

 

“I walked into one of the stalls and dug out my makeup bag. Claiming my blade I slowly pressed it to my wrist. I had done this plenty of times before but this time was different. I knew I had to go deeper. So I did.”

Britt’s eyes were full of curiosity when she blurted, “A little while later she found you, didn’t she? That girl who called the ambulance and the one who practically saved your life?”

I shook my head yes, confirming her assumptions. “I had to do it before he could. That’s all that kept running through my head before I drifted off. Thinking I was dead, I triumphed in my victory, only I hadn’t.”

At that, I was done talking. There was nothing else to say and nothing more I could say. Right at that moment Lizzy stirred and started to gurgle. I looked over to her and once again saw myself in her eyes. I loved her and I was glad that I hadn’t triumphed that day, glad that I hadn’t died, because if I had she wouldn’t be here. She was my miracle. 

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all rights reserved @Tre'via Blount