Suicide[ON HOLD]

Clarity

“Zoe, this is Elijah,” Brittany said. As she began walking towards me, the boy holding onto her leg, she picked him up and said, “Elijah, this is your mommy, the one we’ve been telling you about. She’s the one whose tummy you came from.” I didn’t know what to say, I was in shock, I wanted to cry, I wanted to hold him, and I wanted to be pissed at Brittany. He was so beautiful, the infant I held four years ago, had grown into a handsome little boy. I looked for those features I dreaded but I couldn’t find them. He looked, just like me when I was younger. Ha! He looked exactly how I looked when I went through my tom-boy phase.

            “Cody, what she is she doing here?” I asked, my voice shaking. He reached over and took Elijah from Brittany. Elijah happily went into his arms and smiled even at thought of being held by Cody. “Zoe, this is all a surprise. I did it for you,” Cody said. I looked at Elijah nuzzling into his shoulder then back to Brittany. “What does she have to do with this?” I asked, my temper rising. He reached for my hand, calming me down, and said, “Just be patient.” I looked into Cody’s’ eyes then back to Elijah, he was holding onto Cody so tight, inseparable even, as if they had known each other for years. Cody followed my gaze then whispered something into Elijah’s ear before putting him down. He walked over to me, smiled, and said, “Hi, I’m Elijah.” I replied, “I’m Zoe, it’s nice to meet you Elijah.” He tugged at my dress, wanting me to kneel down, so I did. He looked at me with curious eyes as he touched my face. I reached out my arms to hug him but he flinched back.

Tears forced their way to the surface but I held them in. “Elijah, did they tell you why you’re here?” I asked him. He looked at what appeared to be his adoptive parents and said, “Yes, I know Zoe.” “Then that means you know that I’m your mommy, right?” He shook his head yes as he walked into my arms. I held him, crying as I did so, not believing that this day had come.

            Afterwards we all went back to Cody’s, including Brittany, and forgot about the dance. As Cody’s parents sat and talked with Elijah’s adoptive parents Brittany sat at the kitchen table observing. Cody was playing a game with Elijah and that left me in the middle. When I looked Brittany’s way she waved towards and I remembered all the questions they had yet to answer. Cody had distracted me for too long and my anxiety was starting to kick in. I needed to know what was going on with those too. I walked over to him and Elijah and kindly asked, “Elijah, could I see Cody for a minute?” He shook his head yes then went over to where Brittany sat. When Cody got up I grabbed his hand and walked out back to the pool. I shut the screen door, turned towards him, and then said, “Cody, she doesn’t belong here. She needs to leave.” He smiled and said, “Zoe, actually she does. She has every right to be here.”

I became furious with him, how could he defend her, when he hadn’t even explained to me why the hell she was here in the first place. ‘Why Cody, tell me why she has every right to be here!” I yelled, mocking him. Again he said, “You’ll find out soon.” “If I’m going to find out soon why hasn’t anyone fucking told me then!” I yelled again. He pressed himself against me, cupping my face in his hands, and said, “Calm down, you don’t want to upset the baby.” I calmed myself but on the inside I was filled with rage. He pulled out his cell phone, sent a quick text, and within minutes Brittany walked out the house. Cody felt my body tense up, he kissed me, then grabbed Brittany’s hand and said, “Britt, don’t upset her too much.” I wanted to hurt her as bad as I did that day in school but I knew I would only hurt myself and the baby in the process. I would also scare Elijah and I didn’t want to do that.

            Cody dispersed into the house and left Britt with me. There was a long silence that lingered in the air before I asked, “What’s going on between the two of you?” She looked at me, caught off guard, and responded, “Nothing, why would you think that.” “I heard you two in the hallway the other day. Heard you he was thanking you and the way you guys hugged each other, touching.” She looked down then said, “Zoe, you don’t understand.” Everyone understood, but me, no Zoe couldn’t possibly understand. “How about you explain it to me then!” I yelled. “Just tell me what the hell is going on!” She walked towards me and said, “Maybe you should sit down or something. It’ll help you calm down.” I backed away from her and yelled, “Don’t you dare touch me! Everyone thinks I’m so fragile. Just tell me what’s going on.”

She took a few steps back, sighed, and said, “Zoe, I’m your sister.” I nearly puked at the thought of that then went to lie down. “That isn’t funny,” I said. She didn’t smile, her face grim, and said, “I found out two months ago. My mom ran into my father one day and when I looked more into it, turns out he was. When I followed up with him he explained to me that you were his daughter too.” I looked at her, scared, and asked, “Did you take anyone with you?” She didn’t respond as quickly as I wanted her to then said, “No, I didn’t want my mom to know.” I looked at her then said, “Why not! Are you that stupid? He could’ve….He could’ve!” I calmed myself down then said, “Just leave, I’ll have to talk to you when I’m thinking straight.”

            I went back into the house to find Cody playing with Elijah again so I went to join them. After a few minutes Britt came back in the house, said her goodbyes, then left. Soon after Elijah had to leave with his adoptive parents, although I wanted more time with him. They promised they would visit soon. With that they left and that was all I had to look forward to, with the promise that they would visit soon. 

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