I sat motionless in Brooke's house, awaiting everyone's return. The lights were dim, Jake dropped me off and said he would be back.
I could not even begin to fathom how we left off. The silent drive back to Brooke's house, the uncomfortable tensions I had from being so close but so far away from him.
I want him to . . . be inside of me to be honest. The way he had made me feel was astonishing, words can not describe how beautiful that moment was, even though it was just a glimpse of something more. Something I haven't experienced in years. I haven't had the soft lips of another nor the masculine hands embracing me while we shimmered in the night since, I can't even remember when. The undaunted way he lead one thing to the other without concern for what was to come next.
Bête noire. That's what my grandmother would call it. The fear that I resented of being hurt would not abandon me no matter how much I craved it. It clung to me like a lonely child. How am I supposed to let someone into my heart? I couldn't bare the agonizing pain once more stabbing my aching heart. It just won't do.
I grabbed my over-night bag and set it on top of the bed while I dug through it. A nice bath should put my mind to ease for tonight.
Grabbing the lighter from Brooke's mom's cigarette stash drawer we used to sneak in, I lit candles. A fragrance of an Ocean Breeze drifted into the open space within minutes while I ran the water.
The steaming water looked inviting enough. I glanced at my reflection, my frame elegantly glowed tonight. I slid my fingers lightly down my body, noticing the markings that Jake left on me tonight, as if claiming me for his own.
My body couldn't help but shiver as my mind recollected the events of tonight.
"Renee'?" knocks fell silently on the door, my heart throbbed.
I couldn't seem to get up off the floor, I seemed to have found myself curled in the corner.
"Renee', are you -" he didn't even know what to think. Confusion circled around both of us.
"I - I'm sorry. I just can't." I opened the door, and I noticed waves of disappointment. Guilt washed over me, which made me sick. I didn't have to feel ashamed or guilty because he didn't get in my pants tonight. "Would you like to just watch a movie or play some video games?" I offered.
"No." I don't think anyone could understand how that one word could just drop your heart off of a cliff. "I think we should just go back to Chelsea's tonight. No need to stay here." I turned around so he could see the disgust in my face. Not knowing what to do, I just walked towards his front door and waiting for him to get his car keys.
The Chevy felt like a coffin, captivated by the intense pain that I felt in this confined place.
All of a sudden I wished we would have taken my car. He spoke not a word to me, but kept his eyes on the road. I caught myself sneaking glances at him. Wondering what was going through his mind. Anger seemed to cross his face.
"Are you okay?" I got guts enough for that one. That one question that I didn't really like the answer to.
"Yes, sorry. We just shouldn't have - this shouldn't have happened." It was a heartless apology, and it shocked me quite a bit. He was a fun-spirited person all weekend long.
"What did I do wrong?" I had to ask.
"You just don't do that and stop Renee'." are you kidding me right now? He is upset with me due to the fact that I didn't want to have sex with him during our first time to be with each other?
