His Badass Mute

Chapter 23: Snarky Sayings

The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies.

Damien

I got into my car and pulled away from the King and Zach. The conditions I gave the King were from my own personal selfishness. I couldn't stand thinking Mae was in love with someone else. Someone that wasn't me. It hurt. It hurt knowing she didn't have feelings for me the same way I did for her.

How could she have done the things she did with me? The holding hands, the almost kiss, the cuddling, the blushes when I complimented her. She said she wanted to be friends but that's not what her actions showed. Or had it? When we were playing around with water balloons and we almost kiss, she splashed a water balloon so the kiss never happened. When we were cuddling, it was because she fell asleep.

Was I interpreting everything the wrong way because I wanted to see that she could feel something for me the same way I felt for her? How could I have been such an idiot?! Everything that happened didn't happen because of the reasons I wanted them to. Had I been imagining everything? I had been making such a fool of myself thinking she liked me. Why would someone like her like someone like me?

I was damaged. I was no good. A waste of space, ruining everything.

I came back to Green Hills for her, and I just expected her to come to me with open arms? How could I have told the King to break up with her? It was going to hurt her. I knew she was worried about me hurting her and look at what I had done. I was going to hurt her.

I knew the King wouldn't keep the conditions I gave him a secret. He wasn't going to say he had to break up with her because he didn't love her. He was going to tell her that I made him do it, and she was going to hate me. Maybe she should hate me.

Maybe I was a monster who didn't deserve Mae. Maybe that's why this all happened. To show me and wake me up from a fantasy I longed for for so long. Maybe I held onto the girl I loved for too long. It was time to let her go. I loved her for such a long time, I never got to experience other things, other crushes.

If she was going to like me, she would have by now. If she cared for me, she would have shown that with her actions. Instead, all that her actions showed was our friendship. I didn't want to let her go despite knowing that it was the best thing for me. But I needed to let her go and set her free. To let go of the fantasy and the love I had for her. It was time. Happy endings were just a fairytale. Those didn't exist in my world.

I was too hopeful of a person. I always hoped that the best things would come, and I hoped that maybe a happy ending could exist in my world. If I held on, it could. I was angry that I couldn't decide whether to let go or to hold on. I hit the steering wheel as my decisions came to an impasse. I couldn't decide what I wanted. What I wanted was different from what was good for me. I was selfish, and I wanted her. Despite her being with the King, I still wanted her.

Mae deserved someone better than me but that wasn't the King. I knew that. I promised her I wouldn't leave again but maybe I needed to break that promise. Maybe it would have set us both free. Start a new life, meet new people and have a better life than we did now.

But Mae was too important to me now. Having a new life would have been good, but it wouldn't have been enough for me. I would have always wondered about her and what she was doing. It was a habit I set, and it would be a hard habit to break. I would rather have her as a friend than nothing. She was the oxygen my lungs craved; a necessity for my survival. Or maybe she was just a drug to my addiction. What a beautiful addiction.

She was the reason behind my heartbeats. The reason I got nervous and anxious, only she could break the confident exterior I put on. She was the light that lit up my darkness. I didn't need Mae because she was a part of my life. I needed her because she was my life. I loved Mae but if she told me she was in love with him, then I would have to settle with loving her from afar.