Going Solo

Part 34

Kenji

I had to take a deep breath before I opened the door. Baring my teeth, I spread my lips into a smile. I couldn't see myself, but I knew it was more of a grimace than a smile. I sighed and tried again. Good enough. I grabbed my key from my pocket and shoved it into the lock.

"Tadaima. (I'm home.)" I said once I entered the house.

"Welcome home, baby." Emi said, gripping my shirt and pressing her lips to mine. "Dinner's ready." she smiled, turning to Haruko who sat in her wooden high chair that matched the dining room's decor. "Isn't it, pooh-bear? Yes it is!" she screeched in that patronizing voice adults often use to entertain children. Haruko giggled.

"Yesterday it was pumpkin, then before that it was princess, now its pooh-bear? How many nicknames do you have for her?" I said sitting down at the table.

"A thousand." she beamed after coming back from the kitchen with our dinner plates.

Salmon. Again. I hated salmon. Yet Emi cooked it all the time. When we were first married, it was all she knew how to cook. Now, although she knows I hate it and although her knowledge of recipes have expanded, she still cooks it every Thursday.

"I know you hate it." she began, "But its a good source of Omega-3 and Omega-3 is very good for brain health, especially in babies. It'll be good for Haruko's development, which is why I want to keep it in her diet."

"Do you have to keep it in my diet?"

"It's good for adults too. It's good for your brain, your bones, and your heart. And I've got to have you take care of your heart." she smirked as she spooned chopped pieces of fish and asparagus into Haruko's pink plastic bowl. "It belongs to me."she giggled.

I managed a smile (it felt like a good one) and picked at my food. After dinner I pulled Haruko from her highchair and let Emi finish her food while I took Haruko for a bath.

"Come on Daddy's girl." I smiled easily at Haruko and she gave me cheeky smile back. I couldn't believe that one day this baby girl would be a hormonal teenager, slamming doors, dating boys, and telling me 'I hate you! You're ruining my life!' like any normal teenager does. Then she'll graduate high-school, go to college, and maybe even get married. Haruko had her whole life ahead of her. But where would I be? 

'Where do you see yourself in five years?' People hardly pointed that question in my direction after I got married and they stopped asking altogether after Haruko was born. As if this was the final destination, as if this was all I wanted in life. Was it? Or did I want more? And if so, what exactly do I want?

Haruko giggled as I blew bubbles in the bathwater. It felt good to make her smile. It was the only true happiness I received now-a-days.

After bathing and dressing for bed, I finally put Haruko down for the night, rubbing her tummy as she gave in to sleep. Emi was waiting for me in bed when I came into our room.

"What's wrong?" she asked once I'd settled in bed, seeing through my thoughtful expression. I was thinking about the text Jasmine sent me about a week ago. 'I'm done with your games. I'm going to make things right for the both of us.'

She was an idiot. Always threatening to come out with our affair. It was in the past. After I found out she'd been infected, I couldn't continue to be with her. "How dare you try to throw me away after you did this to me!" she said back then, when she first threatened to come out with our relationship. It was always easy to persuade her not to, with expensive gifts, a manager to jump-start her modeling career, a nice bottle of wine, and sometimes convincing her that we were still in love with each other did the trick.

It was four years ago when I found out that I had been infected, I'd immediately had Emi tested and vaccinated. Emi thought it was just a part of her routine check-up. That was before Haruko was even thought about. I stayed away from Emi for a while, which caused a slight rift in our relationship at the time. I had to consult with my doctor about when my condition would clear up and when it was safe to be with her again. The doctor recommended I contact all my "sexual partners" and suggest they get tested. I tried calling Jasmine, but for about a month she wouldn't answer my calls. She had been feeling the symptoms, the nausea, abdominal pain, fatigue. She thought she was pregnant and she was scared. Unfortunately Jasmine's condition wouldn't "clear up". She had gone too long without knowing and the infection had become "chronic" as my doctor later explained.

"Betsu-ni, kangae-goto shiteta. (Nothing. I was just thinking.)"

"Kotchi mite. (Look at me.)" she said, grabbing my chin. "Aishiteru. Shitte imashita-ka? (I love you. Do you know that?)"

"Shiteru. (I know.)" I said, pulling her closer and bringing my lips to hers. She smelled like vanilla, she always did. I'd bought her a vanilla bean scented perfume years ago and she bought that very same brand ever since. Her hands lifted to grab my face, then to slide her fingers into my hair. Vanilla. Vanilla. Vanilla. It was the same every night. Every day. Vanilla was plain, vanilla was boring, vanilla was getting old. I pulled away.  

"Goodnight." I whispered to Emi, before rolling over and turning off the bedside lamp.

The next morning I texted Jasmine back: Meet me at Sunlight Terrace tomorrow at 1.