Anastasia

Nostalgia

Slash had taken some time off and was stay at her old house for a couple of days. He wanted to be alone, he didn't want to have to talk to anybody or owe anyone his presence just for a few days. The kids were with their mother, and Meegan was kind enough to understand why he wanted to be alone for a bit. He had obviously moved on from Ana, he had been able to find love again, started a family and then fallen in love again with someone else. Needless to say, it looked like he had been over Ana for good now. That is until he was left alone with his thoughts, that is until her birthday or the day that she died rolled around and all of a sudden he felt empty once again. He couldn't help it, it wasn't his fault. He sat on the couch and gazed at the fireplace and sipped the glass of scotch in his hands. 

Missing them is never going to stop hurting. It might be in the back of your mind, you might even forget about it for a while, but it will always be there. It'll hit you when you're least expecting it. That's the worst part of it. The pain comes out of the blue. You'll be sitting drinking a cup of tea at 3 in the afternoon and you'll remember how they took their tea with milk, no sugar. You'll remember how their hair used to stick up all over the place because they would forget to brush it. You'll remember how they used to laugh so hard that tears would run races down their flushed cheeks. But these are good memories, right? This is how you want to remember them. But the real pain comes 6 months later when you think you're over it. It's when you're driving home alone in your car at night, and it suddenly just hits you that you used to feel the safest right here with her. But that will never happen ever again. Your home is gone.

Next minute you're doubled over, clutching your stomach and silently screaming to release the pain that's tearing into your heart. Muffled tears and crescent-shaped scars on your palm where you clench your fingers so hard to stop yourself from feeling the knives in your stomach, in your back, in your heart.

The love he had for her, the love that they had for each other, nothing could ever replace that. Nothing could replace that feeling. Nothing could ever replace your soulmate. It was a tragic sort of love. The kind of look people look at and tut at and pity. The kind that the universe mocks because it was never meant to happen, yet it did. It was doomed from the beginning. The saddest part? Neither of them stopped loving. Neither of them stopped trying. And it fell apart anyway.

1991- Hollywood Hills/ Robert's birthday after party

"Are you okay?" He asked as he walked down from the house to the fence where she stood.
In her hand she held a bottle of vodka.
She shook her head "No, I'm not but yes." and held out the bottle, offering him some of the liquor.
He took the bottle and drank straight from it as she observed him.
"What are you doing out here?" He asked and gave the bottle back to her.
"I'm destroying myself." She said and looked up at the house where so many of her friends was having the time of their lives.
He, on the other side, looked straight at her and said, catching her attention "Destruction is a form of creation."

She scoffed, "Stop trying to make me feel better about my alcohol problem you idiot."

He smirked and took another gulp of vodka, "I'm not trying to make you feel better about it, I was just trying to be as poetic as you."

"You think I'm poetic?" she blinked up at him.

"Sweetheart, you are poetry." 

"Wow, never in the world would I ever expect you to say something like that." she chuckled.

"Dont persecute me from speaking the truth. I'll say shit like that all day, every day, until you start believing it yourself."

"Thanks," she sighed "hopefully that day will come before I die." she sarcastically added.

--

May 13th, 1986 - GN'R plays at Raji's in Hollywood

The After Party at the Hell House

She had been ignoring him the whole night. She wanted to stay a distance from him, the people he was constantly around gave her anxiety and she did not want to make small talk with people that didn't even know who the president was. She found a quite corner and sat there with a beer and a cigarette in her hand watching as he ran around smiling at other girls, flirting with them, occasionally whispering in their ear. It made her sick. She liked him. A lot. And like any normal 18 year old she was feeling jealous of the fact that these groupies were getting all the attention and not her. He had invited her to the party, but what for? For her to sit around and watch him try to get into other girls' pants? No thank you, she thought to herself and took a sip of her beer before standing up and pushing past people to find the bathroom. She saw a familiar face, which she remembered to be Izzy and kindly asked where it was.

"Oh shit," he laughed, "You're still here?" 

She shyly smiled and nodded.

"Well, I don't think u wanna use it at the moment," he looked at what was going on behind her, "It seems to be occupied." 

"Okay, umm thanks..." 

"Slash lost you?"

"No, umm, I think he's just busy." she looked past Izzy at Slash who was at the moment in a corner whispering in a girls ear. As if he had somehow sensed she was looking he looked back and made eye contact.

"Oh shit," Izzy laughed again, "Good luck with that asshole." he patted her shoulder and left her in the hallway with a finished cigarette and a beer she had lost her appetite for. 

She quietly walked away so she didn't have to see him and sat in a chair in the middle of a large crowd in the kitchen. Why had she even  come here in the first place? This wasn't her scene, these people were not like her... and him, well he was just pissing her off, but she had no one else to blame but herself. She hadn't even told him that she officially liked him. They had been seeing each other for over a month now and she still hadn't gotten the guts to confront him about her feelings. She felt insecure.

Just then someone took he saw him come in. He was easy to spot of course and took her hand and guided her through the crowd. He didn't stop until they were outside in the rain.
There was people around them smoking, he took out a cigarette as she leaned against the wall putting her arms around herself.

She watched him as he lit his cigarette and inhaled. After he had exhaled he said "You don't fool me."

Her stare was empty yet fixated on him as he continued 

"I know you feel the same for me as I do for you." 

"And what is it that I feel for you exactly?" she glared at him. This was always a problem with her, no matter what she was feeling everything showed on her face, she was a terrible liar, she couldn't hide her emotions if her life depended on it. Ironic how some things change with time however...

Frustrated he took a step back and said "Stop being so fucking proud. That right there, the pride, that's what causes you all this pain." 

"I'm fine. Why are you trying to corner me?"

With a sigh and a softer voice he said "Please, at least try." and then he threw away his cigarette and walked inside.

She  turned her head towards the sky and let the rain wash her face.

He had known, all this time he had known and he had been making her feel so shitty about it. She wasn't prideful. She was scared and insecure. She didn't say that however, she made him feel as if he was correct and didn't even bother to follow him back into the party. She made her way down the street, the rain hitting her oversized leather jacket and her blonde hair. She was pretty sure that her mascara was all over her face yet she didn't even care to look pretty at the moment. She wasn't sure if she was crying or if it was the rain that was washing her face and she didn't even want to find out the answer. All she wanted was to go home, away from him for a while and away from the feelings that one random guy she had met a month and half ago was making her feel. 

"Fuck," she breathed and stopped walking to turn back around wondering if she should go back to him or not. She wiped her face dry with her sleeve and continued walking down the road to try and fide a cab back home.