Anastasia

Saul

November 5th, 1997

The faint laughter of her voice seeped through the phone, "You plan things too much Saul." 

"You can't blame me." he shrugged over the phone, "What? You want us to get married in Vegas?"

"No." her voice was quieter than usual and her laughter had faded.

"Okay then just let me do my thing." his cigarette lit in his mouth and his hand firm on the steering wheel as he pulled into his reserved parking spot in front of the studio. 

"I'll see you in the morning." her voice now seemed so far away he could barely make up what she was saying 

"Okay, I love you." 

"I love you." 

--

November 6th, 1997

"Where is she?" 

"Sir, I'm sorry you can't go in there." the doctor pushed him back. 

"WHERE IS SHE!?" he shoved the doctor against the wall "Where the fuck is my fiance?"

He felt a pair of hands pull him away from the now terrified and shaking doctor. 

"Slash." Duff managed to pull his friend towards him, "Look at me." he tried to shake him, "Look at me!" 

His eyes were bloodshot from tears his hands were shaking as he managed to look up at his friends.

Duff shook his head in despair looking at the hospital floor, "She's not in there." 

Slash's knees went weak as he tried to hold on to his friend for support. His body was giving up on him the same way his mind was at the moment. 

She was gone. No warning, no time, and with no goodbye. 

Duff managed to sit him and his friend both on the couch, "They took her to the autopsy room. I'm sorry. I don't know how to handle any less than you do." 

Slash's hands covered his mouth, mostly to stop him from screaming and cursing, but also from whaling with sorrow. "She-" his voice was shaky, "She just, she can't just- no." he stood up and flipped over the coffee table and started kicking it causing everyone around them to jump with shock. 

"Slash! Calm down. Okay? None of this shit is going to bring her back man. She's gone."

Slash pointed a finger at him, eyes wide and his mouth in a straight line with his teeth clenched, "You can't say that! She's not gone! You can't fucking say that!" He wanted to punch a wall, but he knew that sooner or later the anger would subside and he would be left with nothing but emptiness. He stormed out of the hospital before losing feeling in his legs and managed to sit in the middle of the now vacant parking lot. 

--

Saul, 

Please don't judge me for what I've done. I am too afraid, too nervous, and too proud to tell you how I feel.You are one of the kindest people I have ever met. I see it in your eyes and the way you carry yourself. I hear genuineness pour out of you when you laugh, and I want to reach up and touch the galaxies, sun, stars, and moon that ooze from your soul. I want to hug you and tell you that you are wonderful.

Loving you has improved my life, honestly. I love you so much, I am so in love with you. I am in love with every aspect of you. You've taught me so much about being positive in life and loving myself, I am grateful for that. Meeting you gave the definition of what happiness truly means, you've changed my life for the better in so many ways. I couldn't imagine that I have ever been in love like this before, and I only felt this with you. You are the love of my life. I don't think that there are enough words to describe my love for you and I don't think a whole notebook can be enough to fill up the pages.Thank you for that, for everything. You're the only person who has the ability to do that. You have no idea how much you affected me. There aren't many people I would cry for, lie for, die for. There aren't many people I would lose my whole fucking mind for. It's so damn rare you really have to try for it. But you straight up cut the line for it.

You and I, it was scary in so many cases how alike we were. Both self-destructive, both filled with this chaotic yet undeniable love for each other.  Don't be mad at me, out of all people you should be the one person that understands...Understands me and what has been going on in my head for the past I don't remember how long. Don't be mad because I'm actually doing what you never had the courage to do. I am not writing this to make this situation worse for you by any means. I am writing this because you deserve an explanation. You will be okay. It hurts now but it will get better. I care, darling. I wrote this for you. I care.

 You deserve to know. You don't deserve this. You've already been through more than anyone could ever imagine.You've dealt with way too much, worked too hard, and sacrificed too much. You don't deserve this. And it sucks. But you'll make it through. Even if you don't know what to do, time will go on and you will make it.You don't deserve this, but you will be ok. You will survive.

You did not deserve what I have done to you, but please try to understand my reasons. Please. 

The truth is, this did not happen overnight, I've been dying for years now. I felt too deeply. The doctors put me on medicine for that. Now I don't feel anything.

The anxiety still comes and goes, but instead of fear, I feel numb. It's just my body that is scared, heart stuttering out of control and breaths too fast. My heart is nothing now, except a machine to keep me alive.

The question is not do I feel or do I want to feel. Now it's will I ever feel again.

I miss having the thrill to actually do something. To get out of bed and put on the outfit that I know will make people look my way. To write that killer novel I've been dreaming of since I was thirteen. To go in front of the camera and do the one thing I have felt I had ever been good at. I miss having that motivation—that drive, to succeed. I don't know where it went, or why it's now gone. But I miss it. I miss having the will to actually live.I just wanted to be good enough. Good enough for you. Good enough for the society we live in. Good enough for myself. I have been bound by fear and driven by an unhealthy and unrealistic hope for happiness.I keep it together every single day - only to completely fall apart every single night.

My whole world is crumbling around me while I frantically try to push the pieces back together before someone notices.

I tried to please everyone and ended up forgetting myself.

I keep fighting to reach a place where people can see me behind the layers of skin and muscle that cover me. It scares me to my bones that when I finally get there, I may not remember everything that made me out to be who I am. I feel like in this war to make others like me, I have started to hate myself. How could I have planned for forever, if I can't even see past the end of this day?

What I want you to promise me now is for you to be okay and live. Live life, breathe, and love. I hope you get the chance to meet someone at a bar that makes you want to stay out until 3 am on a Wednesday. I hope that same girl laughs at your stupid jokes and will go to sci-fi movies with you.

I hope you have sons that look just like you and appreciate spending time with you because I know you'll be at every soccer game.

I hope you can go to sleep easily knowing that people love you and your efforts are worth it.

I really just hope that one day you're genuinely, seriously happy and you forget about everything that ever hurt you, including me.I really hope I didn't wreck your chance to be happy with someone else.

Just remember that no matter who walks out of your life, there are some people who are always going to be there. On your side no matter whose fault it was. Answering your calls no matter how late it is. Don't take them for granted, be there for them, be strong for them, be okay for them.

We were a story for the ages, weren't we? I regret everything except loving you.I'll never regret what we had.So much of me is made up of you. Someday, I hope you'll forgive me. I love you. For now and now finally forever.

Yours, 

Anastasia