Anastasia

What If

"I miss everything. I miss the way your eyes would light up when you would laugh, I miss your big leather jacket that made obnoxious noises when you'd put on your seatbelt, I miss your small twin bed and the rainbow quilt your grandmother had made you, I miss the way you'd glance at me while you were driving when you would hold my hand and stroke my thumb with yours, I miss our inside jokes and how you would play them up for hours just to annoy me, I miss putting my hand on your cheek and telling you I love you, I miss our spontaneous walks through Griffith Park at 1 am, I miss riding in your car that had no heat in the winter, I miss being able to see you, to touch you, talk to you, and feel you. I miss every little god damn thing about you"

He didn't know what else to say to the picture he was holding. There they were,1993 on a boat in Greece, his arms wrapped around the back of her body, a book in her hand as he kissed the top of her head. He would give anything to go back to that day, to see her again, to tell her, one last time that her eyes were so blue and how much he loved it when she would tell him about the books she read. One last time to hear her say 'you're an idiot, but I love you', one last time for him to say 'I love you' back, one last time to make her smile, to make her giggle, to make her blush, to make her feel like she was the only god damn girl in the world. His head spun with 'what ifs'. What if she had told him everything that was going on in her life. What if she had opened up to him about her pain, her thoughts, her fears. What if she had told him what that god awful man had doneto her over the years. What if she had told him the pain she was going through with her miscarriages. What if she had told him the lawsuits her own parents were filing against her. What if. What if. What if. What would have gone differently? Would she have stayed? He would've done anything and everything to help her, anything to make her feel good, happy, loved and safe...more than he thought he already had...

He closed his eyes and sighed, "what if you had stayed."

---

1999

"I got the teddy bear!"

"Did you get the keys?" her voice echoed down the hallway.

"Yes! I got the bag, the teddy bear and the keys." he came running down the hall towards Ana and their almost a year and a half old baby girl. Layla's blonde curls were up in little pigtails as she tugged on her dad's paints.

"Daaddddyyyyyyy" she lifted her hands up so he could hold her. She quickly gave the stuff to Ana and picked up his little girl.

"Yes, my little devil."

It was Christmas in LA, and like every year, they were on their way to his mother's house in Sherman Oaks.

He tucked Layla into her car seat and fixed her curls so they were even and planted a kiss on her forehead, "bleeeeh." she put her small hand on his face and pushed him off, "ew."

He chuckled and got into the passenger seat side of their car. He looked over at his wife, his wife of 2 years now, and leaned over and gave her a quick peck on the lips.

She shook her head laughing, "Please for the love of god don't play Mariah Carey's Christmas album on our way there." she rolled her eyes at him.

"Its not my fault she reinvented Christmas." he shrugged and put in the cd.

"Oh my god," she laughed and drove out of their driveway.

They had sold both of their individual houses and bought a house in the secluded hills of Laurel Canyon. He was obsessed with the place, needless to say, Jimi Hendrix's old home was literally a block away.

Christmas was one of the only times out of the year everything was normal, normal in their case. He didn't have the hassle of studio work and she had taken time off shooting her new movie. They were just themselves. Not Slash, but Saul, not Anastasia Rinaldi, but Ana, just baking pies to take to his mother's house and feeding their 3 dogs before they left for the family dinner. Things always seemed so perfect this time of year. They had, in a way created their own little family traditions. Every year, after Christmas they would fly off to Aspen to get some snow and hit the slopes, make some hot chocolate and just enjoy being out of the city. He had to admit that he had been loving the family life. He was thriving off of it. He never knew he even had it in him. Both of them had been sober for three years now, the occasional wine or cigarette would slip here and there, but that was only for social purposes.

"Saul," her voice brought him back from his thoughts.

"Yeah?"

"Can you turn it down a bit, she's sleeping." Ana effortlessly slid on her sunglasses and tied her hair back in a ponytail as she stopped at a red light.

He nodded and turned the volume down, still looking at her. God, she was so beautiful. Even more so than the first time he had seen her 13 years ago. Had it been that long? God, he was getting old, but her...she looked, better than ever. Her eyes still shining, her hair a magnificent shade of gold, her skin flushed, her lips pink...he could stare at her for days on end.

"You're creepy. Stop being so creepy." she raised an eyebrow at him, obviously weirded out by why her husband was staring at her so oddly, "What," she looked at herself through the rear end mirror, "I got something on my face?"

"No," he chuckled, "you're just beautiful, that's all."

She rolled her eyes and tried to hide her blush. He still had the power of making her blush after all these years.

"Kiss ass." she scoffed.

"Pull over and I will." he shrugged, earning him a playful punch in the shoulder.

"Oh my god," she rolled her eyes, "you're insufferable."

"I've been called worse." he chuckled.

They pulled into the familiar driveway of his mother's house, she was already on the porch waiting for them with her little Yorkie dog in her arm as she waved at them. He turned to the backseat and slowly touched Layla's face. Her large blue eyes fluttered open, obviously sleepy. He found it hilarious how clumsy her face got when she was woken up.

"Hey there sleepy, we're at Nana's."

"NANA!!!!!!" Layla screamed at the top of her lungs as she started clapping her hands.

"Woah," Ana clutched her ears, "someones gonna be an opera singer."

"Whats an opera singer?" Layla suddenly got quite as she asked the question.

"Something daddy will never allow you to be," Slash smiled at his daughter playfully and ruffled her hair.

He opened the door and got her out of her seat and as soon as her little feet hit the floor she bolted towards her grandmother.

"NANA!"

"LAYLA!" they both yelled at each other.

He couldn't help but laugh at the site as he took Ana's hand in his. He watched as his mother and daughter went into the house, his mother obviously encapsulated by her granddaughter that she forgot about her own son. He turned to look at Ana before they went up the stairs.

He grabs her by the waist, pulling her closer to himself. It took her by surprise, not that she didn't like it. It was unusual for him to be so initiative, it reminded her of the times when they were young an all they ever seemed to do was...take initiative... but really, she wasn't complaining. "Someone's being clingy tonight, huh?", she teased. He didn't say anything, just stared into her eyes like a whole universe was trapped in it.

"It's beautiful", he whispered.
"What is?"
"You are."

She rolled her eyes, "Again, you're being insufferable." and playfully pushed him away. He grabbed her waist and pulled him closer to him again and kissed her hard on the lips.

"I love you so much." he kissed her nose, then her forehead and then her lips again.

"I love you too," she kissed his neck, "Now lets go in before Ash comes out and makes fun of us for acting like teenagers." she laughed and dragged him into his mother's house.