Anastasia

Brown Hair

"When she dyed her hair, I said "ANA! You've made money from that hair! It's you!" I was so pissed off, I should've have known that there was something wrong with her because she had dyed her hair brown." 

Lara fidgeted in her seat, uncomfortable in the rough leather of the chair in the studio, plus she needed to pick up her kids from her mothers at 3. 

"When I asked her why she had done it she said it was because she liked coffee and that she wanted to look like coffee and feel like coffee. It was stupid and her explanation was even stupider." she laughed thinking about the first day she had seen her with her new hair in that old Beverly Hills coffee shop she was obsessed about.

"She was never one to change outer appearances, she hated tattoos, piercings she would rarely even put makeup unless forced to for an event, and sometimes not even then." she raised her arms up in annoyance laughing, "you couldn't deal with her sometimes." 

"It was kind of funny how she was like that and there she was dating this dude that was everything she disliked. I mean, Slash is crazy, the man got a belly piercing from a random dude on some random tour just for the fuck of it." she laughed "it was quite comical how she ended up with a dude like that." 

"But then again, I guess, the least likely are the ones most compatible I guess, god knows why" she shrugged and fixed her hair.

"She was happy though, with her brown hair, she hadn't been that happy since 94 when she found out she was pregnant." Lara's tone went flat, eyes fixated now on the floor as she gulped down her pride and started speaking about Ana's first miscarriage.

"The first miscarriage was the hardest she went through, she planned this whole life out with this kid. She scribbled down names, started looking at furniture for the nursery, even started buying little shoes." she smiled a sad smile and looked back up at the camera.

"Her and I decided on a few names, Slash had no say in it cause well, she was kind of scary and he knew that whatever he said was not gonna be taken into consideration so he just let her be the decision maker in that department." she rolled her eyes.

"Layla, if it were a girl and Lennon if it were a boy." she gulped down her tears thinking back at how invested her late best friend was and how crushed she had been afterward.

"She wanted something musical and Eric Clapton and John Lennon seemed to have done it for her." she laughed, "Not a day goes by when I don't think of what could've been. She would've made an amazing mother, those kids would've been so loved, so happy, they would've brought their own mother back to life." 

"After the third miscarriage, she just became numb to it. It was just like any other day for her. She would plant Marigolds outside in little corner spots. Marigolds represent grief and mourning in many south and central American countries. She had told me that one time when she got back from Peru. I hadn't really cared for what they stood for back then, didn't think too in depth about it. There's six, that I know of. She stopped telling Slash what was going on, seeing as there was no point to her even telling him that she was pregnant because she knew she was gonna lose the baby. She kept quiet about it, he didn't notice, hell I didn't either until a year after her death when I went through the journal she had kept hidden inside the fireplace. I told him later on what had happened to her, he broke down, cussed me out burned the journal and got rid of the flowers and replaced them with cactuses." she shook her head, "I don't blame him, everyone copes differently." 

"A week after she died, an ex-friend told me 'well if you believe in angels, you have another one with you now' and I thought, you gotta be fucking kidding me. Who says that? You know? Everyone tried to console one another, went to one another for some type of support they thought they needed, and I kept thinking, well shit, where was this consolation when she needed all of you? When she felt so damn scared to even tell anyone what she was going through? People made her feel so intimidated, they made her feel like she had to feel so god damn perfect all the time that she couldn't even tell her boyfriend of 10 fucking years and her best friend that she was losing baby after baby. They would tell her all this bullshit, not even caring about how it made her feel, not caring what the aftermath was, and then you have them all weeping and talking to the press about her ill fate."

"Since her death, I've told those I love white lies to protect them from getting hurt. I've learned how deep words can sink and the aftermath of bad timing."