Anastasia

Remembrance

March 2017

Q: "What was the one moment with her you will never forget?" the interviewer flipped through her brief notes and looked up at Slash.

A: " I'll remember every moment. I can't just cut them down into pieces and be like, 'Yeah this was the perfect moment', no, everything and everywhere where her presence was present was the perfect moment." he sipped more of his coffee.

Q: "Everyone has been talking about her 'presence', what, do you think, was so magical about it?" the interviewer crossed her legs and leaned over to listen.

A:"She made anything and everything looks effortless. As if everything to her came naturally. And once she was with you, even doing the most basic things would become ecstatic. She had this way of wanting to make everyone feel comfortable, happy, content. She would put you before anyone else. She would walk into the room and people would automatically feel safe and secure."

Q:"Her family, for the longest time blamed you for the tragic event. Why do you think they were so easily pushed to point their finger at you and your life?"

A:"It was because I was the complete opposite of what they wanted for her. I was and still can be quite unpredictable, but back then I was somewhat of a ticking time bomb. They didnt know the true meaning of our relationship and they had no idea what was going on behind it. They just wanted to see what they wanted to see so they would have an excuse and sleep better at night. I have no bad blood with them, they're good folks and losing a child is never easy, but no one really took the time to understand that her death was a part of my own death too. I blamed myself for the longest time as well, I was no different than her parents. I would read over her letter to me probably every 15 minutes, listen to the last voicemail she left me until the phone company deleted it off my machine, I would go to the same diner in which we first talked every time I was in LA and was able to pick myself up to actually go into public aside from the touring, which in a way saved me from myself at the time." he struggled hard to keep himself from choking. Thank god he was wearing glasses, or else it would've been so easy for people to see how the question had fucked him up so hard.

He started reciting her words in her letter in his head. Trying to keep himself calm, for her, for his own sake.

"So much of me is made up of you. There aren't many people I would cry for, lie for, die for. There aren't many people I would lose my whole fucking mind for. It's so damn rare you really have to try for it. But you straight up cut the line for it. So don't you dare cry. Don't cry. Not for me. Not for us. Not for this. That is the only thing I ask of you. "

Q: "We had a talk with one of her close industry friends at the time. Winona Ryder. She said that in her last days she somewhat felt like her life wasn't real. Did you ever notice that with her?"

A: "I mean yeah, she had always thought that her career was too good to be true and that she was hallucinating everything. There was this one night I drove over to pick her up from her house, I had just came back from a shown. Her house was a mess. She had destroyed every award, every poster, picture of herself. It wasn't long after I found her in her bathroom unconscious. She had an overdose that night and I took her to the hospital. When she woke up she asked me if it was real and if this was her actual life. I said that it was and that I was going to be with her through everything and she kept apologizing. That was back in 93, she stopped cocaine after that incident." he sighed and kept playing with the ring on his finger. Fuck this was a lot harder than he thought it would be.

Q: "You, as well were going through tough times with substance abuse as well. Do you think the fact that both of you were hooked on something so terrible might have been the blueprint to her demise?"

A: "She got clear after that, she'd only smoke weed once in a while a few drinks, cigarettes, but that was it for her. Me, on the other hand, yeah," he gave a low sarcastic chuckle "I was screwing myself over every passing day. Flat lining, overdosing, all that shit. I knew it wasn't fair for her to go through that with me, she tried to save me from it and every single time she felt like she was the one responsible for what I would do to myself, I would continuously tell her that it wasn't her fault, but she insisted that she could've done something to prevent it. There was no way she could've prevented it. I was in a fucked up place in my head at the time. No matter how much I cared for her and how deeply I was in love with her, I would somehow find myself screwing it up for myself. I regret that"

"Don't be mad because I'm actually doing what you never had the courage to do."