Ohana

Come wake me up

If you want to feel this the way I did, listen to the song on the side and try not to kill me.

Audrey

I stare at the sandy beach, the way the water laps against the shore.

I can't remember the last time I went to the beach alone. Years, probably.

It's been a week already.

A full week with no contact to Spencer.

I find myself finding little keychains or something I know he'd love, and as I stand in little surf shops, I'd pick it up and look around for him.

Then I'd realize he's not here, he might never be here again, and I get that crippling feeling in my chest.

Now, as I study how different the California sand is than the sand in Florida, I wish I had Spencer with me.

I miss him. I missed the kids first day of school. We both did.

I have no ides where he went, just like he has no idea where I went, but I find myself scrolling through his social media accounts.

I've gone to bars and restaurants and multiple different places, and it was weird.

Standing in line in stores, laughing at things...

It's weird not having somebody with me. I can't remember the last time I was alone. The last time I slept in an empty room, the last time I went out without a text from Spencer or one of the kids begging to go with me. I can't remember the last time I didn't have to plan my life around the kids schedules, or plan around what time Spencer gets off of work.

I went around California, visiting places I'd gone with Ashton, and it made me sick.

I hate him, but I found myself going to that Starbucks in the airport for an afternoon, and I sat at that table, and I could practically hear an eager Spencer asking people if their flight was delayed. I could practically see his bright blue eyes shining at me, his perfectly white teeth showing as he smiled. I could see him run a finger through his hair. I could see that loose curl that always falls into his eyes fall, and I could see him blowing it away with his lips. I'd find myself wanting to reach out and brush it away with nothing but love coursing through my body, but I wouldn't. I couldn't.

I couldn't because he wasn't there, he was god knows where, without me.

Maybe he was enjoying himself.

Maybe he realized he liked his life better without me in it.

But I sit here on this beach and I try not to cry, because I'm ready to end this fucking break and run back to him, heartbreak crippling my body, my mind.

I'm mentally, physically, and socially exhausted, and I just want to go home, to Spencer, to my kids, and cuddle against his warm frame and stay there until I die, wrinkly and warm in his arms.

Well, I don't' want to die in his arms because that would be horrid.

Every time I got a whiff of a cigarette, I wanted to throat punch the person smoking.

I hate cigarettes more than anything and anybody that has or will ever exist.

Cigarettes ruined my life.

I'm tired of going to the beach and pretending I'm okay.

I want to go home so badly, my body aches.

I just got to the beach, but I find myself packing my things and walking back to the hotel.

I take a hot shower and get in bed, ordering room service and opening my laptop. I go to Spotify and press play.