There Must Be Something More

75 | Playground

"And then I met Liam," I said, sniffling. "The moment I did I couldn't tell you how much he seemed like Michael. I felt like my brother had come back to life. I felt as if I was back six years ago. He liked baseball like Michael did. He and I are into almost all the same things--like Michael and I were! Man, I was so happy."

I closed my eyes and let it rain. "If only I had heeded God's warning. He used Meredith--and I even shut her out because of it. What a jerk, right? All my friends were doing was teach me the right thing and I didn't listen. Look where it's got me."

Steven just looked at me. I couldn't tell what ran through his thoughts.

"Sometimes I just wish it should have been me who had died on that crash," I admitted.

Steven said, "Now, Charlie--"

"It would have been fine!" I snapped. "I have Jesus. But Liam... he..."

"I understand," he patted my shoulder sympathetically. "But you can't keep blaming yourself over what happened. What's done is done."

"Steven," I said, yanking his sleeve. "He and Michael... they're not... Steven..." I gave up a breath. "They're not in a better place."

He nodded. He closed his eyes. I let go of him and covered my face, weeping.

"That's what kills me the most," I said. "I feel so... guilty for it. I knew the truth. I had it! But what did I do?"

"Duke!" A familiar girl's voice echoed outside the hall. The front door burst open and Meredith came inside. She saw me and Steven.

"Excuse me," she said awkwardly, "just here for Duke."

The puppy yipped past me and Steven and flew into her arms. She quickly excused herself out.

"Sometimes I wish I were Meredith," I said when I was sure she was downstairs.

Steven patted my knee. "Don't give her so much credit. Meredith has problems, too. Problems I'm sure God knows only she can handle. And that's how it is with you. So don't wish you have somebody else's life. We have different situations."

"She just seems happy all the time," I said. "I can't be happy all the time."

"Just because she's smiling all the time doesn't mean she's happy. Joyful, of course. We Christians need to always know Jesus is with us to go through all of these obstacles to be joyful. But I mean, lots of times, you know, growing up with Meredith and all--she's always had these problems that she feels like the only thing she could do is smile. And pray, of course. And then make other people smile too. I guess that's what I learned best from her.

"Do you know she's frightened everyday for her parents who spread God's Word around the world? They're in great danger, you know. There have been so many missionary martyrs. Her mom and dad could be one of them. 

"You, Charlie, on the other hand, have your parents here. And you have the most amazing opportunity to tell them about God."

I shrugged and sighed. "I wish it were that easy."

"Pray. Ask God for courage."

"You and Meredith make it seem so easy."

"It doesn't always have to be hard, dude," he said, patting my back. He stood up. "You coming down?"

I stared at him.

"Come down," he said. "I'm afraid I wouldn't find you alive if I leave you here."

I shook my head, smiling.

----------

Usually the park playground was deserted at nighttime. I took advantage of the opportunity. I parked several feet away and jogged the whole way to the playing field. 

I closed my eyes and fell back six years ago.

"Last one is a rotten clam!" I said, sprinting across the fresh morning grass of October. I remembered how small strides I took, given that I was ten years old. I looked ahead and saw the empty playground, and I was getting closer by the second. I grinned.

"Wait!" Michael cried behind me, laughing. He liked to giggle loudly. I always told him he sounded like a creepy clown. 

Almost there, I thought. 

"Ha ha! Have you ever tasted rotten clams?" I asked as I made my sprints.

"No."

"Well, you're in luck. Because you're going to smell like one real soon!"

"Not before you do!" He retorted.

When I stepped onto the dry, hard ground of the playground, I leaped high for the swing and landed face-down the soil. My face hurt.

"Who's the rotten clam now?" Michael said as he took a swing.

I struck my heels as brakes on the ground to stop my swing. My shoes made a scraping sound that paralleled the flashback. Unlike six years ago, the swings were rusty. And I barely fit inside the seat anymore.

I sighed and rested my elbows on my knees. Moonlight made me appreciate the old jungle gym.

But I closed my eyes in prayer. God, I really miss Michael. I know I should get over it. Please help me to. You work out everything for good. Give me peace. And please help me get over Liam too. In Jesus's name. Amen.

I looked up at the moon for the first time in years. I smiled. I thought God smiled down at me too.

God, I feel like I've been stagnant for a long time. If You have any reason or purpose for all of this happening, please lead me to it. I'm willing.

----------

"Charlie!" Mom cried as soon as I stepped inside our foyer. "Where have you been? When I looked in your room, you weren't there and--"

"I'm sorry," I said. "I was just... in the playground."

Dad looked at me as if I had three ears. "Playground?"

"Yeah, the one Michael and I used to hang out in."

Mom and Dad stared at me. They looked so confused on what to do.

I sighed and shook my head in dismay. "I miss Michael, Mom. So much."

Mom trotted to me and tackled me in a hug. "Oh, honey. Me too. Me too. Sometimes I see you all grown-up and wonder how Michael would have looked like growing up too."

"I miss him, Mom." I said, weeping on her shoulder. I felt as if I had been weeping for a million years. 

When I settled in my bedroom, I felt like reading God's Word just before falling asleep. I opened my bedside drawer and took out my Bible. I leafed through Psalms. I stopped at Chapter Fifty-Six.

Before reading, I asked God to speak to me in some way through His Word.

And my eyes fell upon a verse that struck my very soul.

You keep track of all my sorrows.

You have collected all my tears in Your bottle.

You have recorded each one in Your book.  ~Psalm 56:8

I smiled through misty eyes. I found peace already. He knows what I'm going through. He is with me.