There Must Be Something More

119 | The Night of Nights

I couldn't sleep. I lay in bed, awake, arm over my forehead as if to cover my eyes. As if that would help.

I groaned and writhed in my bed. The glow of my bedside lamp was blinding. The walls of my bedroom seemed dull now; it was as if I was sick of my own room.

I quickly dashed off my covers and crawled out my bay window and into the rooftop. Carefully, I placed my foot on the cold hard shingles of our roof.

It had been a while since I was here. The last time was when I still wondered the existence of God.

That felt like a million years ago now, looking back at it. But not much has changed. The roof still felt cold underneath my toes. A blue jay rested on the ridge, but it didn't stare at me like it did last time. I wondered if it was the same blue jay like the last.

And tonight, instead of a full moon, it was a waxing gibbous. The moon curved low like a grin behind two thin clouds, and I wondered if God was smiling upon me. He must be, I thought, smiling to myself.

Come to think of it, it had also been a while since I've spent time with the Lord like this. In most days, nothing was special. I treated God like a familiar friend, someone who would always be there even if I didn't do anything. I took Him for granted, in fact. I didn't even feel excited during prayer time anymore. To me it had become like a part of my daily to-do list.

Nothing was special anymore. Except tonight.

Tonight it was as if God didn't want me to fall asleep for a purpose. It was as if he wanted me to come out here tonight and spend some time with Him.

I looked at the night sky and realized how it has always been there. It was always there even when I don't look at it. It was always there even when I don't care. It was always there, waiting to be looked at, to be gazed upon.

"Just like You." I said to God that night. And a breeze brushed across my cheeks. The rustle of the trees reminded me that God was here, right in this very moment. And He had prepared this night just for me.

You're full of surprises, aren't You? I thought, smiling to myself.

I've always been. God reminded me. You've just been too busy to know that.

I frowned. I'm sorry.

Don't be. What matters is that you're here now.

I know. I smiled, closing my eyes to the night unlike any other. It was as if God lay me down with a bed of soft grass behind me as I lay on my back on the rooftop that night.

Psalm 23A psalm of David.1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,he leads me beside quiet waters,3 he refreshes my soul.He guides me along the right paths for his name's sake.4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley,[a]I will fear no evil, for you are with me;your rod and your staff, they comfort me.5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

And for the first time in months--if not years--I had real rest. I spread my arms as wide as I could beside me, as if making a snow angel. I felt the wind between my fingertips and tasted the starlight.