There Must Be Something More

32 | Guilty

You need to do it, I kept telling myself as I got behind my wheel. You know the Lord didn't tell you to be with her. You know you need to wait for Him to tell you who it is.

I jammed my car keys in and the engine roared to life. I saw Meredith and Samuel going their separate ways in the parking lot. Steven had said he was going to teach us how to win people to Christ so we can come with Meredith as she goes around school, preaching the gospel to every boy and girl. But I had to be clear of my conscience first. No one told me to, I just felt like it was the right thing to do.

And I knew it was God telling me to leave my old life behind fully. There must be some kind of verse for this, but I wasn't so knowledgeable about the Bible yet.

"You need to break up with Krista and be clean of anything you did before," I told myself on the rear view mirror. I sighed. I hated hurting someone, especially if I had no choice. But I did have no choice. God is so much better.

I started my way to her street. I thought of ways I would say it. I've broken up with girls before, but not personally. I always did it through texts or SnapChat or Twitter or just a phone call. I've never had the guts to face a girl and tell her we're over.

But I knew this was the right thing to do. Besides, I was sick of my old life. Now that I didn't feel guilty about it by asking forgiveness from God, I knew I needed to stop. I knew I couldn't stand it if I ever did it again.

It just wasn't for me.

When Krista's house came to the distance, my palms started to sweat. Would she hit me? Would she tell the whole school about it? How would I tell her I'm breaking up with her?

Just do it once you see her, I decided.

Trees lined the sidewalk sturdier and plentier than lamp posts. I always knew Krista moved to the leafier part of the city. She said as much as she loved the people and the bright city lights, she needed to get away from it once she gets home. I have never thought much about it, but now that I knew a lot, I realized it was a good idea.

Maybe, once I settle down with a nice family, I'll move to the suburbs, I thought. And then I thought of who my future wife would be. I shrugged. It'll come in the right time.

I won't date till God says so, as Meredith would say.

I saw a squirrel scamper across the park near Krista's. I saw a few kids running around a tire swing, their laughter brought me back to my childhood where my parents had at least little time for me.

Maybe I should start with changing myself, I realized. Instead of trying to get them to make time for me, maybe I should make time for them.

Is this You changing me, God?

When her house came into view, I almost panicked. I wanted to step onto the gas and get out of there. The truth was, I didn't want to break up with Krista at all. Sure, I felt guilty, but that was because I knew I didn't hear God telling me I should be with her. But I still wanted to be with her. I may not act like it much, but I still liked the feeling of having a cheerleader girlfriend that every single guy would want. I thought it'd be a waste if I broke up with her. I didn't want to lose her just yet. Not yet.

As I decided to jam the keys in to leave, Krista came out of their front porch and saw me. She was grinning, waving an arm to and fro. I gave her a smile. She grinned and jogged towards me across their front lawn.

"You miss me?" she asked.

I was guilty in two ways. Guilty for originally coming over to break up with her--and guilty for not doing it.

I didn't know what to do, so I didn't do anything. So I left things the way they were.

"Mom made some homemade quesadillas," she invited. "Stay for dinner."

An image of Grandpa Chuck flashed in my mind. Did God tell you to be with her?

"I'd love to," I told Krista. She squealed and kissed me on the cheek. Guiltily, I jumped off from the driver's seat and onto the asphalt driveway. Krista laced her arm through mine and hurried inside her house.

Guilt followed me the whole way.

~~~

"I know it was wrong," I said aloud, facing my bedroom ceiling that night. I lay down my bed, my Bible beside me. In all honesty, I was too guilty to read it even if I wanted to. The yellow light of my bedside lampshade made me drowsy, too. 

I picked up my phone and saw a picture of me, Meredith, and Samuel.

I just did something that the Lord doesn't allow me to, I thought, am I even a real Christian?

"But I can't break up with her too," I said, sliding my phone away, feeling guilty for seeing me with Meredith and Samuel. I saw myself as a hypocrite. I felt so bad and I didn't know what to do.

And then a ring. I looked and saw it was Samuel.

My fingers tingled. I wanted to talk to him and tell him I did something wrong and guilt-ridden. I wanted someone to hear about my wrongdoing and tell me what to do. I wanted to do the right thing--but I didn't know how!

But I was also too guilty to talk to a Christian about it. I knew I was a Christian too--but why was I doing these things? Why couldn't I just obey the Lord like good Christians do? Why couldn't I just risk everything for Him just like He risked everything for me?

I didn't answer his call. I grabbed my phone and shoved it under my pillow.

"I'm sorry, Samuel," I said. And then I looked out the window, staring out at the night sky. I wondered if God was looking down on me, seeing all I was doing. I knew He was. He must be really disappointed.

I closed my eyes and breathed a silent prayer. I'm sorry, God. Please give me the strength to obey You. I want to obey You.

Will He answer me? Or is He too mad now?