demons | nash grier

chapter eighteen

"i just need an opportunity y'know?"

the wind blew slightly, causing me to feel the need to run a hand through my hair. i played with the stem of the rose i had set on ari's grave.

arianna

he couldn't see that this was wrong. he seemed so focused on ending it all that he didn't see how many people cared. i watched him look up his own hate for a reason to feel down, a justification to end it. i was cursing myself for being weak. nash wouldn't be in this situation that he was now if i would've just grown some woman balls and faced my problems.

"it's not worth it."

he still couldn't hear me. no matter how loud i talked or what i said to him, he couldn't hear me.

"i'll be with you soon, baby. i love you."

"nash no!" i screamed as loud as i could but he just dropped the rose and walked off.

nash

"where were you?" my dad interrogated as soon as i walked inside. i laughed, pulling off my coat and setting it on the rack.

"just visiting arianna." i stated like it was obvious, walking by him to go to the kitchen.

"bart wants you to go to magcon in denver, however he is aware of the circumstances."

opportunity?

"okay," i agreed.

- - -

"hey." i murmured to cameron.

"something's up," he said cautiously, grabbing my face and making me look at him, pulling his phone out and putting the flashlight on, shining it directly into my eyes.

"fuck," i muttered, pushing his hands away and rubbing my eyes.

"we heard.. about.. you know.." taylor said slowly.

"i'm fine," i swore. i didn't want to have to deal with all this sympathy. being here was supposed to take my mind off of all of this, not stress me out more.

"we just don't want to lose you, too," carter spoke for all of the guys.

they had witnessed me hanging off of a bridge, they saw arianna passed out in my arms in charlotte and then had to hear of me nearly overdosing and bleeding to death?

"sorry guys."

"we got you, always," gilinsky promised.

- - -

"what's up denver?"

i put on a happy front tonight because i was sure tonight was the night. i wanted to be remembered as the happy guy, the one who could make everybody laugh.

if i seemed this upbeat and cheerful, no one would expect me to commit suicide hours later.

"hi nash," a fairly pretty girl with ombré hair and bright green eyes beamed. she was actually perfect; it took me awhile to comprehend if she was actually a fan or just a model.

"hey there, what's your name?"

"i'm miranda," she replied with a smile, blushing a little bit even.

we took our picture and i asked for her number.

why not do something crazy on my last night?

- - -

"nash what the hell?" cameron shouted as i pulled Miranda to my room. i shrugged and flipped him off, making her giggle.

"i hope you don't kiss and tell." i whispered into her ear before kissing her. i immediately felt like i was cheating on arianna. it felt terrible, but at the same time it felt so fucking good because god, it's felt like forever since i've kissed someone.

miranda ended up being not so innocent, immediately taking control over me. arianna never did this. by the time we were done, i could barely breathe.

"what's this?" miranda asked me, looking at my scars on my arm.

"it's time for you to leave." i said coldly.

"what?" she breathed, her eyebrows scrunching in confusion. she sounded hurt.

"i said can you please leave?"

"was that question too sensitive?" she began to ramble, sitting up and reaching for her clothes. "i'm so sorry nash, i really just -"

"go." i said, a little harshly. as soon as she shut the door behind herself, my eyes began to water.

"i'm sorry, ari," i sobbed, salty tears falling into my mouth. i traced the scars on my arm, sobbing into my pillow. i wanted to be happy and i wanted this to end, but i knew that would never be the case. i'd never be truly happy again.

i cried myself to sleep, waking up at 3AM.

great. i slept for all of two hours. i groaned loudly, shoving my face back into my pillow.

- - -

"nash you can't do stuff like that," matt scolded me, pacing back and forth like he was an angry parent.

i shrugged. matt over dramatically mimicked my shrug.

"no, okay listen, that isn't okay, man." he ran a hand through his hair.

"nothing matters to me anymore."

"you're spiraling." matt said, sitting beside me.

"guess all we gotta do now is wait," i chuckled, leaving his room and going back to mine, leaving him speechless.

-

"did you meet a girl named miranda yesterday?"

i knew she'd tell.

"uh maybe, did she have priority or VIP?" i replied coolly, not wanting to give myself away.

"yeah, yeah she did!"

"then probably did," i said, posing for a picture with the girl.

"told you," cameron laughed, shaking his head.

it wouldn't matter even if i had admitted.

we ended the meet and greet and went to the stage, answering some questions and getting back to our usual on stage shenanigans.

"uh, we would just like to say that this marks 1 month since our good friend, and nash's girlfriend, arianna passed away," gilinsky began. i glared over at him, unaware that he had planned this. has it really been a month? i've lost count of time. it felt like years had passed.

"yeah, we miss you, arianna," cam said. i couldn't handle this.

i dropped my mic, an ear splitting sound going through the speakers as i ran backstage, pulling at my hair as the tears spilled down my face rapidly. there was a loud murmur from the audience but i just ignored it, searching for a back door to escape without being seen.

"nash!" taylor yelled, following after me. i located a door and ran to it only to be grabbed by taylor.

"nash, come on," he was out of breath from having to follow me.

"i can't do this anymore, taylor." i told him.

i tried to stay strong. i knew now that i'd have to wait longer to attempt because they would keep an eye on me now, trying to make me feel better. i screwed myself out of it.

"you can do this, nash. come on,"

he pulled me back to the stage and everyone cheered, the boys all enveloping me in a hug. i held them, allowing myself to sob.

---

bart told us that after denver, we'd be going to atlanta.

they'd be going to atlanta.

i went home immediately after day 2. hayes had told our parents about my episode and they were worried and wanted to monitor me again.

"i'm fine," i would say as the door opened. my dad or nila would do a sweep over the room, squinting at me a little before nodding and walking out.

i should've just ended it in san francisco.