demons | nash grier

chapter sixteen

- - -

i hated watching as they lowered her into the ground. she couldn't be dead.

i'd told myself that for a week now, even though i was well aware she was gone. i felt like she'd leap out of the coffin and say "just kidding!" at any second.

her friends from san francisco had flown into town, holding each other and sobbing. my parents talked to hers, skylynn standing with them. i stood with hayes, not saying a word.

"this is so unreal." he was looking in the same direction as me. i sat on a bench, burying my face into my hands and letting myself cry. the other boys were here, but we were all distant. none of us were the same anymore, but we acted for the camera and for our fans. ari had her wish, shawn singing at her funeral. her parents loved it, saying "you will definitely go somewhere with that voice!"

the only thing that made me feel like she wasn't gone was that she was buried in mooresville. not sf, not chicago... mooresville. the place she had been happiest.

i knew i could walk the mile from my house to the cemetery whenever i felt like it, and she was there. she would be there forever. even when i wouldn't be there for her anymore. even when i found someone new someday.

i knew i would always remember arianna , even 20 years from now when i would most likely be married to another girl. i would always remember her smile and the sound of her voice. i'd remember the way she looked when she laughed, and how contagious her laughter always had been.

"she can't be gone." i said to hayes. he said nothing as we stared at the people who were burying her. i stood up, making my way towards her parents.

"hello.." i said to them, making them look up from the site of their daughter being put into the ground.

"you killed my daughter." her mom shouted, causing people to look around.

"i didn't." i mustered a reply, the words hitting me like a train. i did feel like it was my fault. if i would've acted like i gave up on her when she came to miami, she would most likely be alive. and happy.

"you are a MONSTER." she screamed at me. arianna's dad wrapped an arm over her to keep her from jumping at me.

"nash, i think it would be best if you went home." her dad told me. i nodded, turning to walk away. there were so many things i wanted to say to her parents, but they didn't want to speak to me.

"they want me to leave." i told my parents. my dad looked over at them, then back at me. he nodded and walked over with my stepmom and skylynn, while hayes stood beside me.

"i wish i could've stopped her." i said, repeating what i've said since it happened. she could've been saved. the stupid fucking paramedics could've tried something. she overdosed that night. she downed a shit load of pills and then allowed me to have her die in my arms.

i looked over, seeing my parents still talking to arianna's. i decided to just walk home, since i could most likely get home by the time they finished talking. i walked down the street, looking up at the gray skies. i turned down the street of the park that i would always talk to arianna at. i sat on the same swing i'd always sit on, breathing in deeply. for anyone driving past this park, it must've been weird to see a 16 year old guy sitting on a swing in a suit. it was weird. a breeze came along, the trees around rustling and the swing beside me moving slightly. for some reason, the breeze made me feel relaxed. i felt calm and okay, something that i haven't felt since arianna was gone.

it felt wrong for me to even think "since arianna died." in fact , i refused to let myself use her name and "died" in the same sentence. she was gone. i'd see her again someday. even if i had to wait until the day i died, i would wait.

the wind blew again, and this time i didn't feel alone. i felt like she was here.

- -

arianna

it was hard to watch everything and not be able to let everyone know i was okay.

i watched nash cry as i was buried. i watched what all of the boys said about me, and i watched shawn sing like i had asked him to in my note.

i watched my mom blame nash for my suicide. i wanted to yell at her, i wanted to tell her that it wasn't his fault that i wasn't strong enough to handle what people said about me. i watched nash leave, walking alone down the street and i followed after him. he sat on the swing and did nothing but stare into his lap at his hands. i knew he was crying and i wanted to stop him from crying over me because i was okay. i knew he'd find a new girl, a stronger girl who would love him just as much as me and he'd love her too. i knew he couldn't see me or hear anything i had to say, because wasn't here physically.

i did my best to let him know i was here by sending in a breeze, one of the only things i could do in my position. i sat on the swing beside him and watched him look over. i felt myself get those butterflies i always got when he looked at me, even though he couldn't see me. could i even feel butterflies right now? i don't even exist anymore. i stared at him, leaning my head on the chain of the swing. he looked out into the trees across the park and then looked back down. i wonder what he thought of when he looked over there. i sent in another breeze, and this one must've worked because again, he looked over.

"this is crazy." he said under his breath.

"i'm here.." i whispered, but he couldn't hear me. i wanted him to know i was here. i stood up and put my arms around him, but he couldn't feel me. i leaned my head on his shoulder, and he shook his head, starting to cry again.

"arianna."

maybe he did know i was here, maybe he was just hoping that any little sign he could get was me.

"nash, i'm here." i said again, wanting him to hear me. but he never would hear me.

"i feel like i'm going crazy." he laughed. he laughed.

"baby you're not, i'm here, really.." i said gently, resting hands on his shoulders.

"i feel like you're here but i know it isn't even possible... i'm talking to myself now." he said, rubbing his eyes. i let him go and took a few steps back, continuing to take steps away from him until eventually i was running away, and i honestly didn't know where i was going.

eventually i was in a field. it was peaceful, filled with people in dresses or men in suits. there was music and people dancing, and i realized i must be unfit for this occasion. i looked down to realize i was in a dress too, a white one like the other girls. can these people see me?