Broken Dreams ✓

o14 | you matter

day 14 ➜ to someone I've drifted away from

Dear Jaime,

It was a no-brainer really, it'll always be you, Jaime. You were the only person that drifted away from me that mattered. I never knew my parents, so when they left, it didn't hurt so much because I never remembered what it was like to spend time with them and so on, but with you, Jaime I do. That's why it hurted, or better yet hurts and why despite all the bullcrap, like a fool I missed you for all those years.

You mattered.

Jaime. I've spent so many hours thinking about this, about how and why you turned away from me in school.

I came up with a couple theories;

a) you disliked me (but after we were best friends?).

b) you wanted to hurt me (but why would you want to hurt me?).

c) you were jealous for some odd reason (maybe because I was closer to Mike and his Dad than you?).

I'm not exactly sure and it's not like I can just ask you because you died, Jaime.

Anyways despite all the bullshit you and your possé did to me in secondary school I didn't really hate you that much I think, I just accepted things between us would never be the same as when we were eight years old.

Now, I see I've come to understand that perhaps, you, Jaime had things you wanted to say or do, but somehow couldn't bring yourself to tell me? Perhaps, Jaime, I was too hasty to see your treatment of me in secondary as you just being a dick, I should've looked past that, and maybe have seen that as your cry for help?

Perhaps everything you did even after school with Christine wasn't just to hurt me bitterly but as a punishment for me giving up on you?

I'm sorry, Jaime. I can't undo the hurt done when we walked out of each other's lives and so on, but I can assure you one thing you might not have realised, Jaime.

No matter what happened, you always mattered to me. You matter, not just to me, but I'm sure to Christine too.

Without you I wouldn't be the person I am now, whether or not that's exactly good, I'm not sure, to be honest with you, but you impacted me. Changed me.

So when you'd showed up at my wedding's rehearsal dinner, I was slightly annoyed, of course, because Christine neglected to tell me she invited you, but then I was kind of glad she did. She knew me, and she knew I'd want you there, that I'd want you to be part of a milestone in my life because you were in my life from the start.

However, in hind sight, I should've perhaps questioned your motives for showing up there a lot more than just, "Chris, did you really have too?"

"I did, Harry, despite everything he did to you, I know deep down you'd want him to be part of our big day. Don't lie, I can tell when you lie," she said and I'd sighed.

"Well alright, but since when have you and him been talking? Sixth Form ended years ago." I asked her.

"I kept in contact with him," she said. I waited for her to elaborate but she didn't. She knew I wanted to know more, but didn't add anything. We were standing by the snack table in the hall. There were several round tables with white cloths, flowers and named place cards. Some of the guests had already arrived and were sat down, but my eyes found, you, Jaime.

Sat there, slouched in a black dress shirt and trousers. "Really?"

"Yes, really," Christine said and touched my shoulder. "Is that so hard to believe?"

I watched you smelling the flowers in the middle of the table you were sat at, then you picked up the name card of the place you were sat at and smirked down at it. "Chris, is that name card he's looking at... have his name on it?"

"Well, yeah, it does," she said.

I snapped my head back to look at her, with disbelief. "What?"

"What do you mean, 'what?' Of course, his name is on it, or else why would he be here?" At this point, my mouth had opened so far open, I never even imagined she'd do this without even a warning.

Silence followed, from my part. I needed to take it all in.

"Christine," I said finally. "Why is he really here? It can't be for me."

She didn't say anything but instead looked at you.

"Christine?" I asked her, but she'd already started to walk towards you.

A few of the people there watched her walk to you, too. Some looked confused, and some who recognised you, looked shocked you were even there at all.

You two talked for a bit, until, Christine shouted that is, "Why are you actually here, Jaime?"

You stood up, and smashed your knuckles into the table, "Because I love, Goddammit!"

My mouth dropped open in surprise at this, and multiple gasps went through the room. I remember thinking, what the actual fuck?

However, you, Jaime carried on your confession, for all to hear. "Do you think I actually want to admit that? That I, Jaime De La Rosa, love you? Never in a million years could I have foreseen this, ever! Hell, I would've stopped myself from approaching you in Sixth Form if I knew I'd end up like some pathetic love-sick fool, feeling like dirty chewing gum under your heels, Tine. Sure, first I was your hook up and yeah I only wanted you because you were with... Haz but I'm sick of not being the one you come home to at night. I realised my priorities had changed, I didn't care about Haz because he was your man, I cared that he was yours. I don't want you to be his anymore. Be mine. Be with me. I want to be yours. It only really dawned on me, last week when you left me that note before you left mine, that I'd always be that dirty thing you'll always try to hide away. Don't marry Haz. I love you, Christine."

"This can't be happening." That's all she said, and that's exactly what I was thinking. You'd declare your love her at our rehearsal dinner and amidst your so-called proclamation of your love, indicated you'd been having some sort of sordid and scandalous love affair. I was gobsmacked, I couldn't quite believe it.

Then I ripped my eyes from Christine and looked at you. The most horrifying sight of all. You were smirking at me, but your eyes were saying something else: I won.

But the thing is Jaime, why was my life a game to you? Why did you have to play with my life at all? At one point, you mattered because I loved you and at that point, at my shattered rehearsal dinner, you mattered because when you grabbed Christine's hand in yours and dragged her out, you were holding my whole world in your hands and you knew it.

You always mattered, you didn't need to play a game to prove that.

And even now, that are gone. You still matter because whether I like it or not, the pain and heartache you put me through is the only thing keeping me going nowadays.

All the love, Harry.

// author's note //

unedited.

I can't believe school starts next week. Seriously. I'm so screwed.

things are coming together here, and it's only going to get worse i'm afraid.