God it has really been hard lately. I am in no way ready for senior year, and it kinda feels like my whole life is falling down around me. The fact that my depression has been getting worse over the summer has not be helping...
I don't know why I've been getting worse mental health wise. I've been taking all of my meds, but they don't honestly seem to be helping much. My appetite has been poor lately, sleeping has been a bit worse, and I haven't felt like doing much of anything. Every time I start something I either get depressed or bored, and then I just sit around being miserable.
I honestly think everything having to do with senior year and beyond has really been stressing me out. Every time someone brings it up to me, I get really angry. My anger has been pretty bad lately too... I've been trying hard not to lash out...
My relationship with my mom has been tense lately. This past week I gave her a letter explaining all of my pent up emotions towards her, and she says she is fine with it... I'm scared I screwed things up with her... She's been a bit bitter towards me when talking about certain topics... I hope I didn't screw up with the one person in my life who I actually feel gives a crap about me.
That's the other thing. My friends never know about the suffering I deal with. The envy. The anger and sadness. And usually I just tell them I'm doing fine... but I know for a fact that nothing is alright right now.
Losing Chester, of course, has been hard on the Linkin Park fan community in general. Losing someone who has given so many people hope in their dark times to his own dark times kinda darkens our world view. My second favorite band's (Icon For Hire) lead singer Ariel Bloomer has been pretty torn up about it, considering he was her idol. I can relate so much to her for various different reasons.
It just sucks knowing that so many bad things happen, and sometimes they do get better... and then other times they don't. I see so many horrible things happening everyday worldwide and I just am losing hope for myself. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like I'm falling into complete darkness again. I haven't been this bad for some years now... My depression was finally getting better, and then adulthood had to peek around the corner and creep up on me.
I want to be out of school, but at the same time I am horrified of what will happen when it's all over. My biggest fear is that I'll be alone. Everyone is going to go somewhere else, and I fear I won't have contact with anyone I care about... Not to mention I'm scared I'm going nowhere due to my stubborn nature. I'm confused about where I want my life to go. I feel like I've only begun to think for myself, and I don't know what to do because no one can make a decision for me anymore. I have to make it for myself...
I feel like everyone is expecting a lot out of me, whether they are or not. I just feel like I'm supposed to be in a "smart person's profession", but that is in no way what I'm planning to do... and I feel everyone is disappointed that I'm "wasting my potential". I've been told that since eighth grade when I told my honors friends I wasn't going to be in all honors anymore. Everyone turned their backs on me because I wasn't up to their standards. Honors students are truly cruel, despite what everyone else thinks. Everyone has a stick up their ass that makes them look down on everyone that is dumber than them. I'm not guilt free in that respect. I do look down on certain people, but I've been a lot better since I dropped down to CP. I've been trying to make amends for how I acted.
I sometimes feel that I test people to the point of them leaving because I expect them to. I've always been afraid of being alone. Losing so many people in my life hasn't been helpful... My family is the worse culprit. My whole paternal side of my family just abandoned me all at once. I lost half of my family, and the other half of my family isn't particularly big either. I only truly consider my mom my family. Everyone else doesn't care to know me. Everyone thinks I should be a certain way, and others try to manipulate me into being their toy. I'm sick and tired of everyone telling me about the way I should be, the way I should act, and how I should refer to myself. I am myself. I don't want any labels. I don't want to be seen as just a girl, or demi/bi-sexual. I don't want to be seen as smart, but I sure as hell don't want to be seen as stupid. I want to be seen as who I am and not who society thinks I should be. I don't want to be categorized with everyone else. I want my individuality.
I just want to get better. I know I have it in me. I just have to get my shit together and get over myself. I have to let go of all the crap I've been through and take a leap of faith with my future. As usual, though, I probably mean this for this moment and tomorrow I'll be back to the dark corner that is my depression... So many thoughts of death have been running through my head lately... I just wish the pain would stop. I haven't attempted anything... but the dark thoughts are there.
I need someone or something to save me. I'm falling much farther than anytime before.
