Do you ever just sit around and contemplate where the hell you're going with your life? I realized I've been doing that a lot lately...
So, yeah. My life has been slowly going to hell for the past few years. More recently has it begun to spiral downward at a quicker rate.
First off, my depression and anxiety kick my ass a good portion of the time. My anxiety has definitely gotten better in the past year, but my depression has picked back up. Nearing my senior year of high school and college coming soon is not helping.
College is one of my main stressors. I don't want to resign myself to some school I'm not interested in, nor do I want to go to a two year school. I know exactly what school I want to go to, but right now I don't think even with federal aid, grants, and scholarships I'll even be able to pay for it. I want to go to that school more than anything, but we just keep losing more and more money. We've been living off of the pension of my grandfather who died four years ago, but that'll run out. It isn't enough to live off of for three people with three pets. Not to mention other various expenses. I'm pretty sure my family is almost out of money.
I'm trying to get a job, but who knows if I'll get it. I'm a 17 year old with absolutely no job experience and a strict schedule. My mother is filing for bankruptcy and won't be able to get a job till that is said and done. We've still got weeks to go until she can actually start looking for a job. And my grandma is trying to find work, but her one employer hasn't been talking to her about her working, and she is having knee problems so she can't do too much work right now. So money is definitely something that we've been watching.
The only problem is, I've lived pretty comfortably. You can't make a change to living like a poor person over night. It's really hard to contain spending amongst myself and my mother, and our food stamps are barely enough to get food for a week, let alone a month.
And my grandma is kinda going crazy. She is in a constant manic state of her bipolar, and she doesn't even really get that she is going crazy. She has been really hateful towards me and my mom, and she is constantly threatening to kick us out. But, if we try and leave, she finds some stupid thing to make us stay.
I was hoping college would be my salvation. Finally something to get me out of the hell hole I call home, but that future is looking pretty bleak. Mom and I want to move out, but we could never afford to get a house on our own. And even if we went for state assisted living, we would have to be put on a waiting list for that.
My grandma is making it impossible to stay in the house though. I'm literally stressing so much and going insane because of her. She is extremely abusive in her own psychotic way. I've been trying to hold my tongue because talking won't do anything, but it is so fucking hard. I really have been trying my hardest to do a lot of things, but for what reason.
I mean, my teachers are overworking me and I'm so stressed out around the people from my school. It's sad when you even kinda start to resent your friends because you are just so tired and stressed out. I'm sick and tired of working my ass off at school, and getting absolutely nothing in return. No recognition from teachers, no extra things like all the rich kids get, and especially not having this help anything. I really don't get why I'm even trying. It isn't like I'm heading anywhere after high school anyways. Not unless we get some magical money to appear out of nowhere, or if my dad would actually fucking pay child support over in his stupid life in California.
I don't understand why I'm trying when after high school I'm screwed. I have no idea where the hell I'll even be, and I highly doubt my life will be going to the high places I want it to go. I don't even know if I'll be homeless or whatever.
I've been considering dropping out. Since I'm 17 I have the right to drop out on my own without parent consent. That's how it works where I live. My mom was kinda pissed that I said that to her yesterday, but I could see she was concerned for me. I don't even fucking know anymore. I just really feel like shit right now, and I just think my life is going to continue falling apart.
That's how my life is going right now. If that's what you can even call it anymore. More like my existence on the planet or something like that. This isn't living. I'm miserable, and my mental health meds don't do shit to help it. I'm going to keep debating about what I should do. I don't even fucking know anymore.
