Today is just one of those days I need to keep my headphones in and blare aggressive music to calm me down. Rock music, and some songs that are more screamo-ish, are really soothing to me since I've been listening to music like that since before I was even born.
I'm just really not in a good spot depression-wise right now. I've been discussing college with my Mom a lot, and the college I want to get into is kinda out of reach right now. I am trying my hardest to not have to take out student loans, and that is really hard considering my family is really low on money right now. Not to mention I don't think my skills are exactly where they need to be to get into art school. So the school I've absolutely fallen in love with is on hold right now...
I of course have a back up plan, but I just... I don't know if my heart is in it. I wanted so bad to get out of state for college. Or at least out of my home and away from the constant stress of my family. I was looking forward to positive change in my life, and now that is so far away. I plan on getting two associates degrees at my community college in a town close to my home, and then going to art school. I just want to know if my sanity will hold that long. I've been so patient my entire life for something in my life to be good and something I wanted to happen, and now I have to wait even longer. If high school wasn't enough, I now have to spend an additional two years in my home.
I just don't know if my heart can take it. If nothing else, my heart may die within these next four years. It might resign to the fate of everyone else I know. In my state, if you don't get out, you never will. You're just kinda trapped her your entire life, and you don't amount to much because your spirits are crushed. At least people who go to major universities in our state have more opportunity than those who go to community college.
This is a big reason why I never set much of a goal for myself for after high school. I just always aimed to get married and have a family of my own. That's all I've ever wanted. And I finally set my sights on something that would make me happy, and now that may not happen...
My heart hurts... This is why I hate this world so much. Every time I think things will get better, they fall apart again. It's like happiness and calm is not allowed in my life. Or at least, if they are, they're never permanent. I've had so many people tell me that is just a part of life we have to overcome, but I'm tired of having to overcome so many things. I'm tired of having to try, and then getting pushed down again. I'm tired of trying. I just want things to get better so bad.
I don't know what to do. My heart is hurting. Physically, emotionally, mentally... I'm resigning to my fate. I'm going to be like everyone else in my family and resign to it. I was never destined for much, just like everyone I'm related to. I hoped that I'd finally be the one to get it right, but I was wrong.
