Today, instead of bringing light to depression, PTSD, human rights, etc., I have decided to talk about the mental state of anxiety.
Now, when I say anxiety, I don't mean, "Oh, my stomach has butterflies. I have to present." No. I mean the type of anxiety that makes you feel like you are on fire, going to throw up, and you don't want to leave your house.
Now, I may have mentioned before that I suffer from a diagnosed state of anxiety, but I don't think I've really talked about too much.
My anxiety is horrible. There are literally many days during the school year, on weekends, and even on breaks where I get to the point of not being able to leave my house, or even get out of bed sometimes. I miss out on a lot of cool things because of my anxiety.
What's worse is when you have one anxiety, it makes you scared that you'll have another. That fear imprints on your mind, and can actually cause you to get anxious when you normally wouldn't. Then you find yourself unable to do basically anything without feeling like you're going to barf.
In my own case, I have had anxiety at many different times and in many different places. And the feeling only built for me. At one of the conventions I went to, I didn't realize that I was wearing a dress with a collar. A tight collar.
For those of you who don't know, I was choked when I was 2-4 years old, I can't remember the exact age, by my dad. I have major problems with things touching my neck. So, at the convention, I started feeling warm, and then the nausea came. I literally lay down in the middle of the convention floor and kept pulling at the collar. I didn't want to move.
My mom tried helping me and tried convincing me to go back to our hotel room, but I just didn't want to move. I just wanted the collar off of me.
After that, we were forced to go home after only the first day of the convention. When we got home, I went straight to my room and turned on the fans in my room to the highest settings. I then pushed all the blankets off of my bed, got into my pajamas, and curled up to make myself less nauseous.
I was probably in bed for 2 or 3 days. Just lying there, barely moving. Whenever I tried leaving my room, I just felt the nausea growing again, and then I retreated back to my room.
It was so bad that I missed several days of school after spring break ended. My mom took me to my doctor's, who then told us to go see a caseworker for my mental issues.
After that day, I was able to go back to school, though I struggled trying to fight my nausea. I also had to tell my teachers that I couldn't go to Nationals for BPA, which is a big honor.
Anxiety definitely makes you miss out on life. Luckily, I was more or less able to finish out the school year and didn't feel that bad. Then the summer came.
I wasn't able to leave my house much because my anxiety was horrible. The one time we tried doing sit down at a restaurant, I got really sick and I got too scared to eat out again. When I got home I could barely eat too. I was pretty much living off of gummy worms for a month.
When school started, I had luckily been put on an as-needed medicine for my anxiety, which would help prevent it if I felt slightly anxious. I pretty much lived off of those pills for the first month or two of school. There are still definitely times where I find myself having to take them. Today is one of the days I took them.
It took me basically a year to get back to a livable state. The first time I had eaten at restaurant in awhile was on April 29th of this year. Then again yesterday.
I hate being so weak some days. I hate being alone in my room with only my thoughts. I really am terrified of being alone now. I really don't like the thoughts I have when I'm alone. That's why I typically occupy myself with YouTube, writing, or drawing now when I'm alone.
I also hated having to miss out on fun times with my friends. I've missed so many things because of this horrible sickness, and the most important days of my life are gone now. I don't want to be sick anymore, but it just lingers. Whenever you think you'll be okay again, it just comes back and kicks my ass back to the floor. It's a suffocating disease.
I think what was the catalyst to get me to write this chapter was my mom.
Today was a really important day to her. She was going to go officially file for bankruptcy so that she could finally move on with her life and start building her credit back up sooner than later. Well, she lost a lot of sleep worrying about it. She woke up this morning and had to run to the bathroom to throw up. She was so ready, and I'm not even sure if she ended up going because of her anxiety.
It just pisses me off that so many people are getting diagnosed with this horrible condition. So many people are feeling so anxious. The state of the world and society is not helping. Not to mention the pressure to conform is killing everyone. People are getting screwed over by the idiots writing the rules of society. There are so many things wrong in this world that the list would be too long for one person to write in their lifetime.
It's funny how the bad things always happen to the best people. The ones trying to survive in this fucked up world. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I noticed today that anger is a great remedy to anxiety. It overrides the sickness and you begin to fight back.
I just wanted to bring this to everyone's attention. Anxiety sucks and really screws up our lives.
If this is too graphic for you, then keep being naive. This is the way the world is, and if you can't except it, then you're screwed too.
