Well, junior year is coming to an end in a few weeks. I'll be a senior. Can't believe it'll actually be that time. I can't imagine being an adult in less than a year, either. Everything is surreal right now, but it's also really scary and stressful.
Right now, though, I'm not too focused on school. I'm focused on trying to get out of this hell hole I call home. My mom and I both need out of this house. My grandma is fucking insane.
Earlier today, my mom asked if there were any of my friends that would take me in. I know that my best friend would probably say yes in a heart beat, but I really don't want to leave mom. My mom is the only person in the world that has an idea of how my complex brain works, and I really don't want to lose one of the people I'm closest to. She is really the only person I consider my family nowadays. I really don't want to be separated from her.
I do want out. I want out so bad. I've been trying so hard to stay sane, but my grandma is such a negative influence in my life. Since the death of my abusive grandpa about four years ago, she has been slowly turning into him. I don't know how or why, but she really has been becoming him. It's like he took over her. She has so many of his habits that it isn't even funny.
So, today, my mom and I applied for housing assistance. I'm trying to find a way to get us both out. If I could, I'd get the hell out of my hometown, but I really don't want to leave. I only have one more year left of school, and I want to finish it out where I am now. I don't want to leave my friends.
God, after high school I am getting out though. I don't exactly care where I go. I just can't stay here anymore. I plan on leaving my state. There are so many memories of so many horrible things here... I just want to move on with my life. I want to forget all that happened here.
I do want to go to college. I have my heart set on a school, and I don't think much can change it's decision now. I just gotta figure out a way to pay for it. I don't exactly have money... Neither does my family. We barely have money to get food most of the time. And whenever I get child support from my dad, it just takes out of our food stamps. So yeah... money is definitely the biggest struggle in my life.
I don't really care if I do the whole student loans thing, though. At this point, I just want to go to art school and get the hell outta Dodge. I'd rather be in debt than regret. I want to experience what life is for myself. I don't want to be held back by my family and their crap. I love my mom, but there is just so much crap from my family. I would love to bring her with me, but we just probably won't be able to make it work.
I am trying to get a job though. And I'm trying to make money. I mean, I do have a Redbubble store, and I do have stuff on my DeviantArt, so there is a small start. I've also been making yarn bracelets to sell. I've already made six bucks off of two I made. The first six bucks I've ever earned on my own in my life. It's a nice feeling having people by something I made... It makes me feel a little more important than I think I am.
So yeah. Right now I'm just battling the hell of depression and anxiety and other health issues along with school and my grandma. I really need out of here, though. I'm at a very dangerous point. I don't know if it's a good thing or not. I won't hurt myself, but I am very close to hurting others. The violence and rage I hold in is only building. I am really trying to stop myself from doing stuff. I'm just thankful we don't own a gun... God knows what I would do if we did... Something I'd really regret... That I know.
My mom has been helping as much as she can. It's hard though when you have a very angry and hormonal teenager to take care of, and a 61 year old who acts like a fucking little kid. So yeah, Mom has definitely been through the same hell I've been. Not to mention her own financial problems and her bankruptcy. She's got a lot of pain... She's just really good at hiding it and ignoring it... Sometimes I really wish I wasn't part of her burden... Her life would probably be a lot easier without the trouble of dealing with me and my mental health... A lot of people would be better off without me...
Then again, though, some people actually seem to need me... I don't know if they'd ever tell me that, but I really do want to believe I am doing good in some people's lives... I just want more people to smile. Not many people do that nowadays. I love making people smile. I love when people laugh at my jokes or feel better after talking to me... I want to help people so bad, but no one really seems to care for my help half of the time... I don't want to see people I care about suffer. Even the people who have put me through hell don't deserve to suffer, but some karma might do them good.
Things are dim, but I can see the faintest light at the end of the tunnel. I can kinda see it now... In some weird distorted way. It's not quite the light I thought it would be, but it's a light nonetheless. Within the next year, I realize I'll have to start making my goodbyes... and I really have to make myself more memorable. I don't want people to forget me... I don't think my brain will allow me to forget them, so they better not forget me... Even if they do, though, I need to make sure I have no regrets after this year. I have to make my peace... Even though goodbyes suck... The seniors leaving has really sucked, and soon I'll be saying goodbye to so many people I've known for so long... I don't want to leave, yet at the same time I need to.
I wish when I was little that I had known what life truly was. I think I've always had the faintest idea, but I was just better at ignoring it when I was little... What I'd give for someone to understand the things I think...
