The Stripper Equation

A Picture's Worth A Thousand Words

            I wanted to be anywhere but here.  Vinnie thought it would be a good idea for me to be here.  I don’t know if I’m going to get out of it all I expect and that was making me anxious.  Noah still didn’t want me to come but in the end I took Vinnie’s advice.  I don’t know why I did that but I did.  The walls were painted a soothing blue.  And there were large potted trees on each end of the couches.  I chose not to sit on one of the couches.  I chose instead the impersonal table and chairs.  I sat on the chair with the back against the wall where I could see everyone coming and going.  I needed to be able to see everything.  I needed to see him coming.  It didn’t take long.  A few minutes after I was finally able to settle my stomach he walked through the double doors.  Vinnie offered to come with me and once I had told Noah I had decided to come he did too.  Well Noah more insisted he come, but I declined both their offers.  I needed to do this on my own.  And maybe a part of me still couldn’t pick between the two.  More importantly though, I needed to stand up to my demons on my own.  Because in my nightmares when this monster comes I needed to be the one who defeats him because someday I may be the only one who is going to be there to do it.

            Vinnie seemed proud of my decision while Noah didn’t take it very well considering he didn’t want me to come in the first place.  It was just another thing he and I didn’t see eye to eye on.  I shifted nervously in my chair as he crossed the room and stopped in front of the table.  I was beginning to regret my decision to come here.  What had I expected to get from this visit?  “Lennie you came?!”  Mark stood there waiting for me to embrace him.  When he realized I wasn’t making a move to get up from my seat he looked hurt but he didn’t allow it to faze him.  He sat in the chair across from me.  Mainly due to the fact that I had removed all the other chairs from the table.  “I missed you so much  I was hoping you would come.”

            I didn’t know how to respond to him.  I couldn’t choose to ignore him.  I was the one who came here, I had to say something but I couldn’t even pretend to know where to start.  I was beginning to think maybe I should’ve brought someone along with me.  Daphne maybe.  I sat there trying to think of where to begin when I felt the warmth of Mark’s hand surround my own.  It felt like needles sticking me and I instantaneously became nauseous.  “Don’t do that.  Don’t touch me.”  I ripped my hand out of his reach and held it tight against my chest in a protective fashion.

            The look of agony on his face hurt me deeply knowing that I caused it and I was disgusted with myself that I felt guilt for him of all people.  He sat there and cocked his head.  “Lennie why are you acting this way?  Why are you acting like you are afraid of me?”

            “Because I am.”  I said it quietly but clearly.  I couldn’t take my eyes away from him.  I needed to see his reaction.  I needed to see if there was a part of him that looked guilty.  But all there showed was confusion.  “You hurt me, Mark.”

            Mark shook his head.  “I know I was using and I shouldn’t have.  But I’m clean now and I want to stay this way.”  I could tell that he meant it.  “I know that I did things that may have hurt you but that’s over now.”

            I was prepared for this.  Vinnie told me his intake results.  He was so high when he came in they were surprised he was still able to function.  He most likely didn’t remember the last couple of days before he was admitted here.  “No Mark.  You hurt me.  You beat me up.”  The moment the words left my lips he looked horrified.