Screwed

23

I walk out of my room where my mom sits on the couch in total silence and I slam the door to get her attention. Molly was right. She is always right.

My mom jumps and I feel my heart thump, not out of fear, but out of pure despair.

"Why do you fucking hate me?" I ask her and she has her mouth hanging open, like she can't believe I spoke to her like that. "Why!" I yell again.

"Calum Thomas... I don't hate you." She say and stands with angry look.

"Bullshit. Sit back down, I'm not done." I yell at her and my vision blurs and blood rushes in my ears, now it's from fear. "You both do and you can't tell me otherwise. If you're gonna hate anyone, or abuse anyone, why me? I'm your fucking child and it's not my fault you both hate each other. I looked up to you, mom. You were one person I could trust, now I don't have anyone. I can't trust anyone!" I yell and my eyes burn. I haven't truly cried since I was a little boy, but now I feel like bawling.

"I'm sorry, I do the best I can-" she starts again, but I shake my head.

"You can't possibly be trying at all." I say.

"You don't know what it's like to lose people you love." She says in hopes to reverse it to her and make me feel bad, its what she always does, but it's not gonna work.

"You, dad, Mali, Luke, Michael Ashton, and now Molly. You lost one person." I say. "Seven fucking people. I know all about loss, mother. So you shut up about it. My sister still calls you, she stills wants to see you. She still talks to dad, for some odd reason I'm the fuck-up of the family and everyone hates me. You only lost dad, and you guys haven't really loved each other since we were little, so don't tell me about loss. You cheated on him, remember? You did this to yourself." Her eyes darken and she raises her hand but I catch it in my own and she dissolves into a puddle of tears and then hugs me tightly.

"Oh my baby, I'm sorry." She says and I hug her back. "I'm so sorry." She cries and I lose my shit and cry too. I hold onto her tightly and she rubs my back. "I don't hate you, son, I'm so sorry." Sh says softly and I let her go and wipe my eyes in my shirt. I face the other side of the room as I talk.

"I'm moving out. I've been saving up money and I found a small apartment." I say and she cries harder but I ignore it. "I leave on Friday and I won't be back. Ever." I say and go back to my room. The look in Molly's eyes still replaying in my head.
~~~

I sit at the dinner table with my uncle and cousin. They are both in a happy, joking mood, but I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me and I still haven't caught my breath. Abel left a while ago and I couldn't help but feel stupid. Michael was right. Of course he was, he always is. I'm scared to tell him though, he is gonna say I told you so, and he deservingly gets to.

I stab at the piece of meat on my plate and my cousin frowns. "Are you okay, you love meatloaf."

"Maybe I'm not hungry." I say and it comes out rude, but it's okay for right now.

"Chill out, it was a question." He grumbles.

"Oh well." I grumble and he huffs.

"Would you shut up? I'm sorry I ever spoke to you, Jesus Christ" He says.

"Or what? What are you going to do if I don't? Tell me how no one loves me or how you have parents who love you and I don't? News flash, nothing you haven't said before. You couldn't possibly do any more harm than anyone else." Some of it was actually meant for him, some of it meant for Calum, Michael, and every other person who has hurt me.

"Fuck you." He says loudly.

"Piss off." I say and lean on my fist.

"Hey, both of you shut up. Jasper, watch your mouth. Molly, need to calm down. What the hell is the matter with you two?" My uncle asks in disbelief.

"She is on her period or something." Jasper says.

"Just because I'm mad doesn't mean I'm on my period!" I say.

"Sorry, I can't hear you, I don't trust something that bleeds for seven days and doesn't die!" He says and the sentence mixed with his facial expression makes me giggle. "What?" He asks and I just laugh, not able to carry on the argument anymore.

"I'm so lost, I thought you were fighting?" My uncle asks.

"We were." Jasper says just as confused as his dad.

"Sorry." I say and stop laughing.

"Seriously, what's up with you two?"

"I was fantastic, but she bit my head off." Jasper says. "Which I want back by the way, thanks." He says and I shake my head.

"You?" My uncle asks me.

"I don't know, I may be starting actually, I'm gonna go to bed." I say and go to my room. I walk down the stairs and I lay in bed for hours.
~~~

When the night is too silent for my liking, I go out my door and walk to the back yard. I haven't been out here in a while and I sigh, laying on the ground. I hear noises from next door and I look through the white fence and see a face. I jump and squint, only to find Luke sitting in his own yard.

"I would ask why you're in your backyard at three in the morning if I weren't doing the same thing." He says and jumps the fence and ceases himself to the ground beside me.

"Yeah, but what are you doing?" I ask him.

"Couldn't sleep, same with you?" He asks. I nod. "Happens a lot with me."

"I've never able to not sleep. It's my favorite thing to do. This is not fair." I say.

"I couldn't agree more, that's why I sleep in math class." He says and I laugh. He settles back and sighs. "So what happened to you earlier? I saw you running down the street like a mad man and through that door."

"Oh. A personal issue, nothing to worry about." I say.

"You sure? You can tell me anything, Carpenter." He says.

I sit in silence for a while before I sign "He used me." I whisper and my shoulders fall slightly. "He was trying to give Michael a reason hate him. He said he isn't anymore, but I still feel stupid, how am I supposed to believe that?"

"Okay, that was a shit move, and Michael made his choice, he is a total ass to Calum at school all the time. You never see it, and anyone would be lucky to have you because you're gorgeous. So, Cal fucked himself slightly." He says.

"Oh Luke, you don't have to lie to make friends." I say and give a small laugh, feeling like everything but gorgeous right now.

"I'm serious. And I'm not defending anyone, but Calum may not be the best guy most times, but he is a good person and he didn't do what Michael thought. He is an asshole and all, but he wouldn't do that to him. He is too honest and loyal a guy, so I know if he said he was sorry to you, he meant it."

"Thought he was trash?" I ask and Luke laughs.

"Oh he is, a major piece of trash, but I think I would know, am I right? Takes one to know one." He says and winks.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." I say and smile. "Luke, I have a question?"

"Go ahead."

"It was Ashton, wasn't it?" I ask and he sighs, leaning back and looking at the stars.