Screwed

16

I lay across my bed and let the music play softly. It's completely dark, even the Christmas lights are off.

It's just those days where everything you block out during the day rushes at you with baseball bats once you aren't looking, and I guess that's what happened here.

My dad, Reese, everything, it hit me with full force. I am just not feeling like myself right now. Ever since this morning, I just went spiraling off the edge without a parachute. Like I forgot how to feel, all my sense went dull. The only thing I can feel is the pain in my hand.

I was hoping that eventually I'd fall asleep and the music would keep me distracted, but I was wrong. It's midnight and I'm still wide awake.

I hear a knock on the door and I don't feel like walking over there, or yelling, so I text Cal and tell him to come in.

He opens the door and comes down the steps. "Why is it so dark down here?" He asks me and slowly makes his way towards me with his phone as a light.

"I'm dying." I say and I feel my eyes burn as the light from his screen burns my eyes. "Now I really am dying." I say and rub my watering eyes. I sit up and he sits beside me.

"You'll live." He says softly and he seems to be as sad as I am. I gently take his hand and run my small fingers down his long ones.

"Are you alright, Cal?" I ask him and nods.

"Yeah, I'm good." He mumbles. I go to speak, but instead he kisses me to keep me silent. It gets more heated and he pushes me backwards on the bed and pins my hands above my head with one hand as the other one rests lightly on my throat. He slowly moves it down the knot of my pajama bottoms.

"Calum, wait." I say through the kiss but it comes out muffled. I free my hands and put them on his shoulders and I go to push him back, but he doesn't budge. "Calum, stop. I don't want to have sex with you." I say and push him back, the word I forgot to put in the sentence was yet. He groans and falls back, putting both his hands on his face. Anxiety kicks in and I pull my sleeves down over my hands and I frown. ''Not yet."

"Why not?" He asks me with a distant voice and it causes my heart to flee to my stomach.

"I-I just... I'm not ready... I'm scared." I say quietly. He sits up and looks at me, his chocolate eyes are soft. "Please don't be mad." I say softly and he sighs and shakes his head.

"I'm not mad at you, babe. Why would I be mad over that?" He says and kisses me gently. He kicks his shoes off and walks over to turn the Christmas lights on and they dimly light the room.

"I-I don't know....I just felt like you were." He lays down besides me and pulls me close to him. He tangles his fingers in my hair and sighs heavily again.

"Goodnight." He whispers, kissing the top of my head.
~~~

I set the books down on the table gently and I look at him. He has his face buried in his arms and he snoring softly from the position he sleeps in, his legs are tucked tightly to his chest in the seat, his back to the window.

I'm just going to let him sleep, and I'm in no mood to talk or help anyone with anything. And since I haven't seen him all day and he has been avoiding me like the plague, I think he may feel the same.

He was gone this morning and it left me with a sick feeling in my stomach. I went to talk to him this morning but he ducked into the bathroom and was in there until school began. In class, he sat as far away from me as possible.

I'd like to say I understand, but I don't. I don't understand why he or anyone else is mad and I don't want to pretend I do anymore. I just want him to be not mad. I'm done trying to understand.

I realized sometimes this morning that I felt a strong... something, for him. A very strong feeling of like and a strong feeling of confusion.

As I quietly read the book. He stirs and I hold completely still so he does not wake up, but he does anyway and he just glances over at me before sitting correctly and rubbing his face.

I do not look up from the page until I hear him hiss in pain. As I let my eyes walk up him, they rest of the darkened spot on his left cheek. His eye is kinda puffy and he looks horrible. How can that happen to someone in such a short time? Where did he go and what did he do?

"When did you get here?" He asks in a raspy voice.

"A while ago. We have about ten minutes left." I say and drop my eyes back to my book and I chew my lip. I want desperately to baby him and find out who done it to him, but I don't want to make him mad any further.

"Why didn't you wake me up?" He asks.

"You looked tired and I didn't know if you wanted me to actually talk to you today." I say and I mentally scream at myself. So much for remaining the chill one of the situation.

"Molly." He groans. "Don't."

"I didn't." I say. "What happened to your face?" I ask and I feel all my patience slip out of my grasp.

"Nothing." He says and crosses his arms.

"Something must have happened." I say and shrug like it's no big deal, but he clearly thinks it is.

"Nothing fucking happened to my face." He says lowly.

"Why won't you tell me?"

"Because I don't trust you!" He says loudly. "I don't want to tell you anything because I don't trust anyone. Why should I trust people?" The look on his face is so innocent and sad, it destroys me and I feel all my anger melt away and it is replaced by guilt. I shouldn't be mad because he wants to keep something to himself, should I?

"I understand." I say in a level voice. "Don't tell me, I get it. Trust is hard to come by." I say and gather my things before the bell rings. "I don't trust anyone either, so I completely understand." I stand and put my bag on and go to walk to the doors.

"Why are you so nice to me?" He asks me in a strained voice that cracks and I just look down.

"What would I get from being mean to you? Where is the fun in making someone feel so bad about themselves they can barely sleep at night? I don't see it, so I won't ever be mean to you, because I understand you. It may be on a different level, but I do." I say and I leave.