Finding Yourself

chapter 42

"C'mon Melanie, you need to eat something." Harry said pulling me from the sofa.

"I'm not hungry." I mumbled.

"I know you don't want today to happen & I know it's hard for you but you can't just not eat, you'll make yourself ill."

"He's right Mel." Zayn chimed.

"Fine." I sighed in defeat.

I had zero energy to argue today. I couldn't even remember the last time I got more than 3 hours sleep.

"Here." Harry said pushing some pancakes infront of me.

I cut into one and put some into my mouth. I chewed and chewed and everytime I tried to swallow, it wouldn't go down. It was like my body was pushing it back up.

"I can't." I said putting my fork down.

"You can. You have too. You're telling yourself you don't want to. Just one pancake Melanie, they're you're favourite."

After a torturous half an hour the pancake was down... although I'm not sure it would stay that way.

Harry cleared my plate away and the doorbell chimed.

I pulled open the door to reveal Liam on the other side. I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him tight, clutching the back of his jacket. His arms crossed around my back and I began to cry. I don't know if it was because Liam was the only person to really know how close me and Hannah were or because he could also feel what I was feeling about the same person, that he loved as much as I do.

He unwrapped his arms from around me and wiped my tears away with his thumbs.

"She'd hate to see you cry Mel." He said quietly. "She would tell you how much stronger you were than the tears you were crying and no matter what you was feeling right now, it will all go away soon."

"It won't go away though." I whispered. "Because she's not coming back." Tears still leaked from my glossy eyes as he pulled me into another hug.

--

Harry, Liam and Zayn went to change into their suits while I tugged a black dress over my head. I was thinking about wearing heels but I couldn't walk properly bare footed at the minute, never mind anything higher, so black flats it is. I ran the straightener over my wavy hair and tried my best to conceal the awful dark rings around my eyes.

I knocked on the bathroom door and Liam fumbled around with the lock before appearing from the other side.

"Here you go." I said handing him the key to Hannahs house. "I've got the pictures and stuff that I want. There's pictures of you both in her room and stuff so I thought you might wanna get them. Anything you don't take will either go to charity or be thrown out." I shrugged.

"Thanks, did you go on your own?"

"The first time I did but I wasn't there long. I took Harry back with me the other day to grab some more pictures."

He played around with the key in his hand and nodded. "You look great Mel."

"Thanks." I half smiled. "I wish I felt it."

He gave me a sympathetic smile and I headed back towards my bedroom. Harry was sitting on my bed tugging at his tie.

"Let me help you." I giggled.

I stood inbetween his legs and untied the knot he had created.

"Cross it over, pass it through and tuck it in." I said quietly as I done each step.

I tightened it up and he smiled.

"Not just a pretty face huh?" He winked.

I smiled at him and he pulled me onto his lap. "Are you okay baby?"

I nodded. "Once today is over... it can only get better, right?"

"Exactly." He grinned pulling me close and kissing my forehead. "Ready to go?"

I sighed but nodded anyway. I crawled off of him and made my way back downstairs with Harry following.

Zayn put his arm around me and kissed the top of my head. "You can do this." He whispered.

--

We climbed out of the car outside the church and there was people talking in small circles all around. I'm glad I found Hannahs address book other wise I swear it'd just be me here. I scanned the faces, some of them familiar, then finally spotted Niall and Louis standing by the door and we made our way over to them. They both greeted me with a hug and I tried my best to give them a convincing smile.

People began to walk into the church, so we followed, a few people squeezing my arm or smiling at me along the way.

Me and the five boys all sat at the front, me inbetween Harry and Zayn. I could see Hannahs coffin at the front of the church. Knowing she was in there, just lying on her own killed me. We was so close to eachother yet so far away. We waited for a few more minutes for everyone to be seated and then the vicar began to speak.

"... and now, I believe Melanie Jones would like to say a few words." He finished.

I froze in my seat and Harry squeezed my thigh. "I'll be right here." He whispered.

I got up and stood in the vicars place, he greeted me with a warm smile. I took a deep breath, looked over are Hannahs coffin, which was now behind me, and started to speak.

"I can't believe I'm even here right now saying this about Hannah. She was so full of life, so up for everything and anything. There were never enough hours in the day for her." I smiled weakly. "Me and Hannah have been joined at the hip for 8 years so it's strange not having her around me anymore. We done everything together, from getting ridiculously drunk for the first time at 14 years old to high school prom to finally reaching 18 and going clubbing together... where she would always have the best dance moves." People laughed and nodded. "She's the best friend I could of ever asked for and she means more to me than I could put into words." I turned to face her coffin again and closed my eyes for a second. "And I'll miss her so much... but now she's dancing with the angels and one day, I know we'll be reunited again."

I stepped back and the vicar placed his hand on my arm. The curtains closed infront of Hannahs coffin and then she was gone. I raised my hand up over my mouth and tears rolled down my cheeks again. Louis got up and put his arm around me before walking me back to my seat. I buried my head into Zayns chest and he wrapped his arms around me. The vicar said a prayer, music started playing and then people started to leave. Some people were crying and some people were wiping their glossy eyes but I was sure no one felt as awful as me.

We walked outside and I inhaled the cool air into my lungs.

"You did great Mel." Louis said draping his arm around my shoulder. "She'll be proud of you."

"I hope so." I smiled.