BENJI. (a guide to being normal)

Benji Does the Impossible

Upon his arrival at the flat, Benji parked the car outside like he’d always done and folded the letter into a small square. He tucked it in his pocket and stepped out of the car. As if nothing had happened, he unlocked the door and walked inside. But he couldn’t forget the words Kris had shouted at him. Each confession seared his soul with a truth he knew was real, but didn’t want to believe. He took a seat in front of the computer and opened the internet. His fingers settled over the keys and began typing “facebook.com” into the search bar before he heard Copper come in.

“Hello, Benji?”

“I’m at the computer,” Benji called back, lifting his hands from the black keys. He spun around in the wheelie chair, grabbing a pencil on the way, and stopped the motion with one of his feet. Sticking the pen in the corner of his mouth and cradling it between two fingers, he crossed his leg and said in a deep, posh accent, “I’ve been expecting you.”

Copper laughed at Benji’s impression of a mob boss. “Nice one. So, how was your date with Kris?”

Benji’s smile dropped and he tossed the pen on the desk behind him. Folding his hands, he replied softly, “Well, not very well. I ran out.” Seeing Copper’s face twitch and his arms proceeding to cross in displeasure, Benji said hurriedly, “I don’t know why. I’ve got this shield, or mask-thing that I put on to protect who I am, you know? I’m scared to get hurt, or hurt her.”

“You’re not perfect, Benji, and I think Kris forgives that.” Copper grabbed another chair, flipped it around and sat on it with his arms drooping over the back. “It’s not going to be puzzle-perfect, there’s going to be disappointments, but can’t do what you did with the promotion. Just because it’s good doesn’t mean you’re bad for it.”

“I told her about Shannon.”

“What did she say?”

“Well, she was very nice about it. But then I felt like I did when I was around Shannon when things were good, right? I didn’t like being there again.”

Copper pursed his lips in thought and thumbed his nose. He looked away at the floor, searching for the words. “I’m not going to say something cliché like, ‘you can make your own ending,’ or something like that, but, you don’t have to live in the past, or overthink the future. Both will ruin your present.”

“I know. But, you know how you feel after you watch a good feel movie or read a satisfying book?”

Copper nodded his head. “Go on.”

“Well, you like it, but you know it couldn’t happen to you. Like, the character says something inspiring and you feel like you can do anything until you return back to your life, where everything feels unchangeable. That’s how I feel like when I’m around Kris. Everything feels perfect and great, and then I return home and wonder if it’ll last. I’m not saying that I’m unaware of fights and arguments, but—,”

“You’re afraid to be rejected again?” Copper finished understandingly.

Benji’s head hung and he smiled to cover the tearful truth. “Yeah, I guess I am.” Benji’s hand smoothed his hair from the short fringes to the blunt tufts on the back of his neck. “It’s just like I want to know what happens beforehand so I can prepare myself emotionally, you know? And or I set low expectations so I’ll never be disappointed.”

“You’ve got to have hope; hope is what keeps the human spirit alive. If you don’t have hope, then all you’ll be doing is going in circles in the same place in your life—little progress, big problems.” Copper punched Benji softly in the shoulder.  “You deserve to be happy, okay? I know life was hard for you when you were a youngster, but it’s over now. All right, it’s all over.” Copper stood up and walked over to Benji. He devoured him in a bear hug and squeezed him so tight that Benji fell into a coughing fit. “Oh, I’m sorry, you all right?”