BENJI. (a guide to being normal)

Very Confused, Benji Dore

I realise my last entry was very intense and it was no intention to ruffle any feathers, but I am entitled to my own thoughts, so I make no apologies.  But it’s just what I think about. What do you think about?

At the moment, I am still upset about this mysterious man in Kris’s photos. He looks like a very close friend, one that has probably seen her through the thick and thin, maybe he loves her, but she doesn’t feel the same way back? I often wonder how it is possible to be very close friends with the opposite sex without romance being involved. Is it possible? I’m sure it is…somewhere. Fiona and Copper have been friends since they were freshman year of high school, now they’re living with each other and hopefully Copper will ask for her hand. If not, I will actually be very, very sad and very, very surprised.

I really want to get to the bottom of all this so you’ll see it’s been worth your time. But, the thing is, I reclusive about things, and I haven’t got the guts yet to share everything, especially about Shannon. Kris Madison reminds me a lot about Shannon, the sweetness, the understanding, the beauty, but I’m afraid it’ll all be a put-on, a disposition gone wrong. A persona that was pretend. I can’t go through it again; I can’t go through the humiliation and confusion. I’d rather die single than be betrayed by someone I allowed myself to get close to.

I think what I hated most was after she left, she quickly found someone else and then rubbed it in my face, believing I had gotten over “us”. Forgiveness was never so hard for me until she did that. I don’t know if she meant it, in fact, if I mentioned how I felt when she was going on and on about her new boyfriend, I believe she would apologise and tell me she didn’t intend to hurt my feelings. I’ll try to forgive, I really want to. But she meant so much to me and I never trusted anyone like I had trusted her. She was my best friend, the one who helped me through so many things when Copper couldn’t.

What hurt the most were the words she promised me. She told me she wouldn’t treat me differently if things didn’t work out. She told me she would always feel the same for me, no matter what. She said she loved me, the kind of love that was forever and never lied. I believed all of it. I believed every bleeding word. I hurt myself more than she hurt me. How could anyone sound so perfect? And I know she meant it at the time, but when she found interests in other men and she found me tiresome, she changed.

Also, I don’t think she’ll care about how I feel now. How she still makes me feel. She’ll find it flattering that I think about her from time to time, but will she care if I came back into her life? No. Will she want to sit beside me again and tell me her feelings? No. Will she ever want to kiss me again? The kind of kiss I had never felt. The kind of kiss that was my first. Absolutely not. All I am to her is a face with selective memories. I don’t matter to her anymore. But she somehow matters to me.

Very confused,

Benji Dore