BENJI. (a guide to being normal)

Despondently, Benji Dore

Copper moved out. I began wondering if it was because he was tired of me. Tired of me doing nothing with my life. Tired of me being afraid. It was weird, seeing him packing up everything, making the house seem smaller, lonelier.  We didn’t have a very friendly parting.  In fact, it felt like we were breaking up. I remember him coming in with a determined look indented in his pug-like face. He walked up the stairs without greeting me, a very unusually thing for him to do. Curious, I followed him up the stairs and walked into his bedroom. I was caught off guard to see an open suitcase on his bed.

“What are you doing? You said you were moving out next month?” I said, staring hopelessly at the items disappearing into the suitcase.

“I know, Benji, but, it’s time for me to move out. Fiona is getting tired of me living with you, and, you know, it’s just time. I’m sorry it’s this soon.”

“Now, come off it. You agreed to move next month. What about the rent? What about the car? Are you going to take it?”

Copper zipped up the bag and rolled it passed me. “Yes, I’ll take the car, but I’ll return it next week when Fiona gets her back from the shop, all right? And I already told you I’ll help you with the rent until you get a job, if you get a job.”

The last bit was spoken under his breath, but I heard it as if he had whispered it in my ear. “Don’t be like that.”

“What?” Copper took his hands off the suitcase just long enough to shrug. “It’s the truth.”

“Yeah, but you don’t have to be a twat about it. I’m trying here.”

“Oh, are you? You ran off the job agent this morning, and you refuse to call her back. Just because she’s a female doesn’t mean you have to put your life at risk. If you don’t so something now, Benjamin, you’re going to be very unhappy.”

“And I suppose you’re dancing in happiness!” I snapped back, lifting my head to show that I was willing to trade insults.

“Actually, I am. I’ve got a woman waiting for me, I’ve got a job, I’ve got the use of a car. And, I’ve got several other jobs lined up, in fact, my phone is off the hook!”

I rolled my head in fake astonishment, “Oh, well done you! Why didn’t you tell me that?”

Copper dropped his head and sighed. He rubbed his eyes, pressing the orbs deep into his skull. “Because I didn’t want to make you feel bad, Benji. But, reality is reality and I’m the one working, and you’re not.”

“Copper, come on, don’t leave. Please, I’m sorry, but don’t go. Don’t leave me alone.” I remember I was willing to beg for him to stay. I didn’t want to be alone. The quietness scared me, made me remember things I didn’t want to remember. Copper helped hide the darkest recollections in my life.  If he left, they’d all barge through the door of my mind, trample all over my healing scars, making me lie in a pool of crimson regret, agony, and shame. I couldn’t let that happen.

“Benji, you got to grow up. Do some changing. Throw things away, get new clothes, that’s what I’ve done. It helps. I’m sorry, but, you’re on your own.”

“But, you will ring me, right?”

“Of course, and I’ll stop by and we can still hang out at the pub. But, I think you need some time to yourself.” With that, my best friend gave me a pat on the shoulder and headed down the stairs, the clunking of his suitcase behind him, each thud feeling like a punch in the face. I watched helplessly as his large shadow slipped through the door and then disappeared completely, the white door clicking shut was his goodbye to me.

I hated it. It felt like I had something wrong. I have this feeling often where if something bad happens, it must be my fault. I knew one shouldn’t think that way, but it felt like everyone I cared about, I did something that made them disappointed in me. I haven’t left the stairs since he had gone. I’m still sitting on the steps like a loyal dog waiting for his master.  I wanted to call Kris and apologise, but I was still scared. What happened to me with the last girl frightened me to trust any woman again. Maybe one day I’ll tell you the story. But for now, I feel empty. Alone. Defeated. My best friend walked out on me, for a good reason I suppose, but still. I never dreamed that such a day would happen.

Despondently,

Benji Dore