Imagines (you pov)

(Joel Birch) asshole PART 1

A/n: Hmm not sure about this one

H/b: hot beverage

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"Well how do I look?" You step into the lounge of the bus where 2/5 of your band, Chase (lead guitar) and Avery (drums), are waiting before you step on stage.

"Pretty cool, nervous?" Avery says, sipping some tea. "Why do you say that?" You try to brush her knowing tone off while you pour yourself some (h/b). Chase gets up and walks over to the back, presumably because Brady (rhythm guitarist) had just called him.

"You only ever ask how you look when you're nervous" you fidget under Avery's gaze, "Well... maybe I'm just nervous about performing" "You don't usually get nervous about going out on stage... must be... oh gosh don't tell me you're nervous about rotating the stage with TAA!"

"No! You said so yourself, of course I'm not phased by being on stage!! It's just... being around Joel..." you mumble sheepishly. Avery sighs, she knows you've been close with Ahren since before either of your bands became famous and since then Joel has hated everything about you, not a moment goes by without him finding a way to ruin your mood, you wouldn't mind so much if, 1; you knew what you did to make him hate you so, and 2; you didn't have such an attraction to him. Most of the time you can't tell if your heart's beating fast because you're nervous or because you're angry. "Whatever dude let's just get backstage, it's almost us." Avery follows you out the bus after calling the rest of your band.

The moment you step backstage you hear an obnoxious laugh, you'd know that laugh anywhere since countless times you've been a victim of it. Ahren spots you first which you're grateful for, you great him and the others with hugs and when it final comes to Joel he flat out ignores you to which you roll your eyes before heading over to the stage manager just to check that everything's in order for your performances, he explains that there'll be 3 set and between each set TAA will play their sets which you already.

You're about to head onto stage when Joel stops you, you raise a wary eyebrow encouraging him to speak, "uh I just wanted to wish you luck," he pats your back, "uh, thanks," you certainly weren't expecting that.

Xx timeskip-cue awesome performance xX

You come off stage on a high, the adrenaline still pumping through you. You and your band catch up with everyone else backstage.

"Hey dude what's that on your back?" "What?" Chase removes a piece of paper, looks at it and scoffs before handing it to you.

Cocksucker
You immediately know it's Joel's handwriting and you roll your eyes, scrunching the paper and tossing it in the bin, he and the rest of Ahren's band notice you throwing away the paper and you turn back around, flipping Joel off. He winks and you walk to the other side of the room but when the realisation hits you that you just spent the entire first set with it on your back AND that you have to go back out there to face thousands of fans who have just seen you with it you close your eyes, your breathing picking up quickly.

You shake your head, pulling out your phone to distract yourself. Your tags across all your public social networks are going insane and you open your twitter first, mentions flooding in about the piece of paper on your back. You forgot that the performance is also being broadcasted worldwide right now. You slowly slide your phone away and clench your fists trying with all your might not to let the panic set in. You try reasoning with yourself; that surely it was just a joke, but taunting memories of high school and humiliation invade your mind.

Your breathing only gets quicker and it doesn't take long for Ahren to realise what's happening. His laughs cease immediately at the sight of your tense body and as he approaches you he notices your tears. While the others continue to tease you, he springs forward placing his hands on your cheeks to encourage you to open your eyes and come back to reality so he can help you through your attack.

He notes how he hasn't done this for you since high school and more waves of guilt wash over him as he realises what he and the others have done to you. "Y/n? Y/n, I need you to look at me okay? Open your eyes." You don't respond and Ahren begins to think you won't be able to go back on stage. Joel notices Ahren and takes a closer look at you as he approaches, "Ahren what's-" "panic attack. She's having a panic attack." Joel's face twists with confusion, you've always been headstrong and ready to fight back so he could never have imagined you suffering from panic attacks.

After much effort from Ahren, and Joel sending everyone to a different area to give you some space, the two of them finally manage to get you through. When he's sure he has the chance, Ahren leaves you with Joel to get you water and to speak with the stage manager to discuss changing the line up to give you some time.

When your eyes finally have the slightest bit of recognition in them you stop crying and though you're still shaking you refuse to play victim. It's bad enough the last person in the world you wanted seeing you so vulnerable is standing right in front of you- looking down on you like you're a flower he's sorry to have stepped on, but you're sick with yourself at the thought that all you want right now is for him to curl his arms around you.

You clear your throat, which seems to jolt Joel out of a trance, and without a word, brush past him so you can make your way back to the bus. "Y/n..." You sigh heavily, just tired, "Joel please, not now." He says nothing after that so you take your leave and as you do you hear him quietly sigh, "I'm sorry."