Beacon of Hope

Chapter Eighteen <3 Save Him

I'm going back into the arena.

Shit.

I take off, bolting out the door. The sudden coldness bites at my bare arms, but I don't stop. I can hear Peeta behind me for a while, but then he's gone.

My first thought, is the woods. But, when I reach it, I hear the electrical buzz that says that I'm very much trapped. I back away and a tear escapes my right eye.

After a while, I find myself sobbing loudly in a cellar, of which house I don't know.

I can't go back into the arena. No, I can't leave Prim, I can't leave mother. I can't die. I'm four and a half months pregnant, for god sakes! And Peeta-

Peeta.

Peeta can't die. I won't let him, I can't let him. I'll die for him, whether I'm pregnant or not. Peeta survives this, not me.

But I know what Peeta's going to try and do. He's going to give his life for me, and his unborn child. He won't want to live in a world that I don't exist in.

Problem is, I can't live in a world that he doesn't exist in.

Eventually, I make my self so worried, that I throw up. I must make a real racket, because after, Haymitch ascends the stairs to the cellar.

" Sweetheart?" He says, but I don't reply. Eventually, he says, " Come on," and scoops me up. He carries me to his home and puts me on the sofa.

" Haymitch," I whisper.

" I know," he says. He's not wasted, but he's still drunk. I squint at him, then look round the room. There's a smashed glass and his T.V is wrecked. Must have thrown the glass at it.

" No, I-" I start.

" Are you going to ask me to, what, die?" He says. " Um, how about no?"

" No," I stutter. " I was- I was gonna ask for a drink."

He starts laughing, not even a sarcastic laugh, which is discouraging. " What's so funny!?" I yell.

" You're pregnant, sweetheart," he says between breathy laughs. I glare at him.

" So!?" I say, and take a swig of the scotch, just to see the look on his face. It's strong, and feels like acid in my throat, but I swallow it and convince my muscles not the contract in disgust.

" So, what can you say? Considering that the boy was here before I could open a bottle, begging for me to let him go back into the arena. Begging for me to let him protect you. So, all things being fair, what are you gonna say?" He says. " 'Haymitch, please die in order to save Peeta'?"

" Well," I say, sitting up. " You do hate life. Maybe it should be you,"

" Very true," he says.

" Saved my life last time, s'his turn now," I say.

" Mhmm," he contemplates the idea, then says, " His argument, was that since you count for two life's, I'm obligated to save you. And that since I saved you last time, it's his turn to get what he wants. And, of course, what he wants is to protect you."

So, while I was wallowing on the floor of a cellar, he was thinking of me. Boy, I'm a terrible person.

" You know," he says. " You could live a thousand life times and never deserve that boy,"

" Hmm," I say quietly. " What're you gonna do?"

He sighs. " Okay, if his name is called, I- I'll volunteer."

" I know what I'm asking." I say. " If it's him and I in the arena, you need to save him."

Something flashes in his eyes. Pain.

" I- Katniss, I-" he starts, but I interruprt.

" What, what can you not do?" I ask.

" Katniss, I can't save him and not you," he says.

" Why?" I ask confusedly.

" Because you-" he says. " You're my family! Ok! You're my family, and I'm selfish, and I don't want to be on my own again!"

I'm taken aback. He thinks of me as his family? Haymitch Abernathy?

Woah.

" Peeta's your family too," I mumble, looking down. I don't know what to say. Because Peeta's coming home. Not me.

He shakes his head. " Not the way you are," he says.

I don't answer.

I take one last swig of scotch, and get up. I'm about to head out the door, but I whip round and hug Haymitch. I bury my face in his shirt and whisper, " Thank you," before running out the door.

I'm planning to head to Peeta's, but something that I pass draws me away from my road.

Gales house.

I walk over, and cautiously knock on the door. It's Posy who answers, Gales little sister. She's gotten so big. I kneel down.

" Hi, Posy. Is Gale h-" I don't get to finish my sentence, because Peeta's voice sounds from behind me.

" Katniss?" He says. " What are you doing here?"

" Um," I say, turning round.

" I've- I've been looking for you for hours." He says.

" Hours?" I must have been gone for a while. " Oh, yeah, uh,"

" Come on," he says, taking my hand.

" Ok," I say. " Bye, Posy."

Peeta wraps me in his warm arms, and I sob quietly as I walk. " Shh," he says quietly. " You're gonna be a great mother," he says, attempting to keep my mind off it.

But my mind is on more important things, like how to keep Peeta alive.