Forever Lost

Chapter Six: Gnawing At My Soul

I stroke Julie and she lifts her head. She lazily opens her eyes and stares at me.

"I'm going to be forever lost, aren't I?"

She gives out a faint meow.

I giggle, stroking her soft head. "If only life was easy."

She meows loudly and I laugh. "I know, you're right. Life wouldn't be life if it was easy. Instead it'd be called a nap!"

Julie gave out a happy meow. I laughed with her.

We finally settled down and she, like I, was staring at the moon.

I sighed. "I guess I should probably go back and talk to Chris."

She looked at me.

"You think I should give him a chance?" It's not that I was reluctant to, it was that I was afraid he'd change his mind about me. Why does love have to be so hard!? That and other emotions... Don't blame me, a lot has happened in the past few hours, so I'm a little preoccupied and am getting my emotions mixed up.

She blinked.

I groaned. "Fine, but if he tries to hurt either of us, I'm so going to dump his sorry butt!"

She leapt off my lap and I stood. I reached over and cradled her in my arms. She purred as she curled herself into her signature cat pose, into a little ball, her tail curling around and set on her tiny paws.

I slowly made my way to the back door of the house. Through the windows I could see everyone mingling with each other. That is, everyone but Chris. Chris was standing behind the glass, staring at me, his eyes full of worry and concern.

When I reached the back door, he ran over and opened it for me. Since both of my arms are being used to cradle Julie, I was unable to open it myself.

"Hey," I greeted him after he closed the door, my expression blank.

"Everything all right?" he seemed even more worried than I originally thought.

I sighed and spun around to face him. I put on the best smile I could manage, "Yeah, of course!"

He closed his eyes as he began to breathe deeply. "I'm sorry."

I inhaled sharply. After a moment I relaxed, a relieved smile forming. Julie lifted her head and sat up, then leapt to my shoulder. I rested my hand on Chris's back and led him to the stairs off to the right. "Come on."

Chris opened his eyes and just starred at me, his expression perplexed yet calm. He let me lead him without any objection.

Up the stairs was a hallway, the flooring, Mazama Handscraped Acacia Golden Walnut wood, the walls a calm tan. A long red rug was stretched out along the length of the hall, stopping at the end of the hall. There lies a thick, wood, double door. That was the room Rebecca allowed me to stay in after the death of my parents, but I couldn't sleep and went back home. She said I could come back anytime.

I led him into the room and set him down on the bed.

"What's going-"

"Shh!" I snapped, giving him a quick glance then heading towards the double doors to close them. I gently shut them and sighed. Julie hopped off my shoulder and ran to the bed, leaping on it and curling up to nap on the pillow. I spun around to face Chris, a smile on my face. I pranced towards him, sitting on the full size bed with tan brown comforters and matching pillows, and sat down besides him on his right, or my left. The entire room matched the design. I sat down next to him and leaned against him, resting my head on his shoulder.

"Everything okay, Melody?" he seemed disturbed. Then again, I've been shutting him down all day and now all of a sudden this happens. I don't blame him.

I snapped my head up and shifted to face him, my knees touching his.

"Yeah!" I paused, my expression fell serious and I starred at the floor. I pulled my knees up and rested my bare feet on the bed, my arms hugging my legs, my forehead on my knees. "No,"

Chris scooted over to me, wrapping his arms around me. His body was pressed up against mine, his warmth calming.

"Come on, Pine, what's up?" Pine was my nickname, it's short for Pinerod, my last name. Chris hasn't called me that since my parents death.

I raised my head. "You called me Pine." Outside the room, anyone could assume the voice belonged to a child, the innocence quivering as a tear crept out of the corner of my eye.

He smiled and nodded.

"You haven't called me that for eleven years."

He nodded again, "Is that okay?"

"Yeah," I unwrapped my arms from around my legs and wrapped them around his neck, letting my knees fall on his lap, burying my head in his chest. I let out a sob as I remembered my parents and everything else, my past, Mark, and the one thing that has been hurting me for the longest time, but have struggled to keep back. A few tears ran down my cheeks.

He wrapped his arms around me, his chin on the back of my neck. When he spoke, I could hear a rumble through his shirt, the sound slightly muffled yet understandable.

"What's going on with you, Pine? Whatever it is, I'm sure you can tell me." His voice was soothing, the sound of it seeming to extinguish some of the flames burning me away deep inside my soul. "You can tell me anything." I felt a cool drop on my skin.

"Okay," I mumbled after a few moments of silence, "Just let me go and I'll tell you."

He did so and I positioned myself comfortably. I sat on his lap, my arms still around him, my head against his shoulder, but my back was straight and I spoke without hesitation, yet the quiver hadn't completely subsided.

"I feel so heavy, a weight on my heart. It's not your fault, I just don't know what to do or feel or think. These drama spazzes aren't my thing, so I'm just going to go with it and hope you don't hate me afterward."

He nodded and I continued.

"Renee talked to me about Mark, or at least that's how it started. I told her the story and she connected it with you. Thing is, well, okay. I'm feeling better about Mark. Truth is, I guess the only reason he bothered me so much was because of you. We've decided to stay apart because we didn't want to go through any more of those awkward moments, like we did Saturday morning. But, I guess the only reason I'm so stressed is because there is this one question I've been wanting to ask that's been gnawing at my soul."

"What is it?" his voice was sincere.

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes. After long minutes of silence, while I weighed my options of asking him and playing the rest of this scene out in my head, I opened my eyes and finally spoke.

"Do you love me?"