The Unknown

Chapter Twenty-Three

The confusion and pain in his eyes when I pull away almost breaks my heart. Almost.

I make my way over to the journal, the anger rising with each step. My journal, all my secrets are laying open for the world to read. Everything I wanted to bury, to write and then forget is being poured out in the open.

"You read it?" I whisper. He doesn't respond. I pick the journal up and the words leap out to me.

I remember the day he tarnished my name.

No.

He didn't care that he tarnished my name.

"You know." The words come out broken. He knows everything. All my secrets, all my thoughts.

Oh dear heavens.

I flip back to the journal entries where I talked about my thoughts about him. All of it is right there, all my thoughts, all my feelings, everything. I slam the journal shut. My brain starts to produce thoughts faster than my heart can manage. My breath starts to come fast and short. I can't control this, everything I've ever tried to put away is now in the open. I look up to Lukas and I can hear his heart shattering. "You know?!" I wait the longest second in my life.

"Yes." His voice was quiet and he couldn't look me in the eyes. His gaze stayed on the ground. I'm that disgusting to him. I knew this would happen. My past would come up and everything would fall apart.

"Oh dear heavens." I stand up and begin to walk away, but his hand reaches out and grabs my wrist. I drop the journal and twist, my hand stinging from the contact I made with his cheek. He lets go, rubbing his now red cheek. He looks confused, shocked, and guilty. "Don't touch me." I somehow manage to speak through the anger and embarrassment.

"I don't understand." He takes a step toward me, but I take a step back.

"Tell me Lukas, tell me what you would do. You write down you're entire past, everything that ever bothered you or changed you in your lifetime. You write it down thinking it was safe, that maybe, just maybe one day you could burn it. One day when get past all the pain and you forgive and you move on, you can throw the thing away. But for now, you're stuck with a pen and paper. You're stuck with writing every little thing down. You think it's safe and sound in your arms, under your mattress. But no. You find that the one person who you thought cared about you, the one person who you cared about read it all." I pause gasping for breath, my anger is beyond anything I had ever felt.

"But you would have told me anyways." He still doesn't get it.

"When I was ready Lukas, I would have told you when I was ready. Now..." My heart splinters, "Now I don't know if I ever will be." And it shatters. I turn to and start to walk into the forest.

"Wait Mae, don't go."

"Leave me alone Lukas." I start to walk faster but his footsteps are right behind me. I turn to see him following me, how dare he! " I said leave me alone!" I throw the journal at him. I don't even care anymore about the stupid thing. I turn and I take off somehow losing my jacket along the way. I jump and I twist, my feet treading lightly on the forest ground. Lukas' feet begin to recede in the distance. He's bigger than I am so the branches slow him down while they don't give me any problems at all.

My feet keep going even though they feel tired. I can't stop running, and I realize I'm not running from Lukas anymore, I'm running from my past. From my mom who couldn't love me, my father who never loved me, the memories, the pain. I'm running from my life.

I turn my head to see if Lukas was behind me, but I don't see him. I stop and my breath comes hard, but I don't hear Lukas anymore. I can't tell if I'm happy that I don't hear him, or if I'm a little sad. My heart pounds as I sit down. I scoot back and lean against a tree. My eyes close as I listen to my silent sobs.

It's all caught up to me now. I can't push it any deeper. All the memories flood my thoughts, all the pain and all the hurt comes rushing back. And I don't cry, I don't feel anger, I don't feel anything. My body has completely shut down. I can't think, I can't breath, I can't move. I'm stuck in my own fear, my own pain. If I make it out of this, I'll have to apologize to Lukas. This isn't he fault I realize, he shouldn't have read my journal, but my reaction isn't his fault.

It's been a long time coming.

So, I do what I always do when it gets to much to handle.

I welcome the darkness