You're anorexic, depressed, stressed, suicidal. You don't want to live the life you have but you're too scared to take it away. You want to get better but have lost all the motivation. You've had enough of everyone but they want to reach out for you. You feel like the world's over but it's not and that's what makes your life worse. You're dead inside but the world is always in motion and you cannot take it anymore. But then, there's this one string of hope that enters your heart without you even accepting it. It settles in and makes itself comfortable without letting you know at first. And then starts working silently without making you notice. It works without your permission because it knows how you've sworn not to let anyone in again. It cleanses your heart from the inside out, throws away your bad habits, it feeds off your self-loathing and you have so much that this string of hope is now so fat it's filling your entire heart. You start to get better and all of the sudden you start to find light in the small things. Your surroundings start to feel colourful again and for once the world isn't moving as fast as it was before. You're cautious on the outside but your insides are filled with excitement and adrenaline because you want to keep exploring. You're just afraid everything's gonna be gone. You take baby steps and move into the adult world but it's not what you want. And suddenly a bright face comes along the way, it doesn't ask for your love but instead gives you theirs. You accept it, overwhelmed by this kind of light in your life. It is not the same. Nothing is. You're actually a normal person right now, enjoying what almost everyone has. A normal life. Recovery, that's it. The world seems so bright at first and nothing is more inviting. You start running in there, holding the hands of that bright face that came along the way. Slowly, you start to discover that bright face, in all its features and details, and you take off your layers as well, uncovering little by little what lies inside you -the deepest parts remaining buried underneath the cold ground of your flaming heart. It is scary but you're risking your heart anyway, it will never be as broken as it was before. Finally your biggest discovery is made, you lose that bright face to someone else, to the reason you were depressed in the first place, that bright face that came along the way slowly fades away and you're all by yourself again. This is your biggest discovery: the bright face that came along the way to send you hope, its job is to keep people happy. It wasn't because you were you. It wasn't because you impressed that bright face somehow... It wasn't because you wanted to get better, it was just because it was its job. And people start to criticize you because you followed their advice from when you were depressed and suicidal. It's like they want to see you get better but on their terms and on their own time. It is not what you want and suddenly the world is a dull place where you just follow rules. Because you have to eat but your body was prettier before, because you have to get out of the house but you're a public embarrassment, because you need to relax but please don't sleep in you have to help out everyone who needs it, because your life is worth being lived but it is at the same time, useless. You're on your own once again and you find out that this string of hope digested your self-loathing a long time ago and went out hunting for self-loathing in someone else. And then your heart is empty, pretty much missing the days when it was full, at least with the loathing you had for yourself. Hatred doesn't seem so bad anymore and the mere thought of joy seems pretty hard on you. Your head is full now, and it is too heavy to carry around, so you just out it down, let it hang low. Your shoulders can't even stand straight, and all those things you went through are now heavy on your back. Your legs can't hold you up anymore so you decide to take back your old friend, your bed. It becomes your permanent residence and nothing can get you out of it. So rest, get some sleep baby doll, tomorrow's a new day, pray for it to come soon.
Elxx
01-08-2016
