Caligula and Caesar's American Adventure

Loose Morals (Cae)

If you tell yourself that oregano is pot, it tastes quite good. Cali seemed to get high off it, though that might just have been her taking the piss. I just want pizza now. There’s fuck all to do in Vermont, I swear. I mean, it’s beautiful, don’t get me wrong, but all the places in the leaflets are, like, mountains and ski slopes and shit like that. I don’t even know why we’re here except to get to the other side.

So Cali was driving. I had her phone, and I also had Josh-I-meant-Macintosh’s number so I did what any sane-person-blinded-by-infatuation would do.

Me: “Mac?” (Let’s pretend that’s his name. It isn’t Josh, either).

Mac: “Yeah?”

Me: “It’s me. Cae.”

Mac: “Oh, hey, Cae.” He laughed at the rhyme. God his laugh is sexy.

Me: “So, what’re you doing?”

Mac: “Just, you know. Xbox.”

Me: “Mac?”

Mac: “Yeah?”

Me: "Uh … How’s it going?”

Mac: “Cool.”

We talked for a while longer, until Cali realised I was on her phone and had a coronary. She swerved over and lunged at me, tackling it to the floor as I said goodbye.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Talking to Mac.”

“On my phone?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s in England.”

“Yeah.”

She shouted something at me, probably a string of swear words, and hit my knee. “That’s gonna cost a fucking bomb! Just because you want to fuck some English dude?”

“He has a girlfriend,” I said, like that made it better. I just sounded worse.

“Well, shit, Cae, you’ve just wasted like two hundred bucks talking to a guy with a girlfriend when all you want to do is fuck him.”

“I did. And I do.”

“You need to get laid.”

I just nodded. It’s always easier than disagreeing with Cali, no matter what she says.

“And you owe me however much that cost.”

“Whatever. I just want Mac.”

“Well, he’s hitched.”

She had a point, which was pretty surprising because Cali’s morals are as loose as a choirboy's arsehole. Those gowns hide all manner of sins.