Caligula and Caesar's American Adventure

A Waiter Walks My Line (Cali)

So I guess I should mention that I’m high as balls right now. At least, I think I am. I’ve never been high before, but Cae sure as fuck has. Hell, after hearing about her mom, she was probably high in the womb.

But anyway... What was I talking about? Oh, right. So Cae, in all of her fucking glory, waltzed out of the camper like... An hour ago? I think? She was bitching about water and how we didn’t have any, and I was like “Go get your own fucking water, I’m so great that you don’t need any.” Then she got all science-y on my ass, and I just zoned out.

So I was just sitting on my bed listening to the Johnny Cash when there’s this knock on the door, and I go to answer it and it’s that fucking waiter. He just waltzes in like he owns the goddamn place, and I was trying to be hospitable while wondering where a sharp object was in case he tried to jump me or some shit.

So he starts talking to me, and then this happens:

Waiter Guy: “So your friend said I could drop by.”

Me: “What friend? I don’t have any friends.”

Waiter Guy: “That British chick.”

Me: “Oh, her? Oh, yeah. ...Yeah.”

Waiter Guy: “She said you thought that I was cute.”

Me: “Did she? Well, she smokes a lot of pot, so...”

Waiter Guy: “Look, I’m off for the next ten min-”

The motherfucker didn’t have time to speak. I shoved my tongue so far down his throat I probably poked a hole in it.

So, without getting too explicit, we went at it like rabbits. It was awesome. Better than fucking water or Wotsits.

Then I hear a knock at the door, and I was like “Shit, are there more waiters coming?” and then I thought of how fucking awesome it was that I was having sex to “I Walk the Line” and I was like “Heh, this waiter’s walking my line if you know what I mean...” and then the door opened and it was FUCKING CAE.

She just stood there like an idiot for a good twenty seconds, just watching us go at it. It was fucking creepy, because I don’t think Waiter Guy noticed- he didn’t stop. So I’m having sex and there’s just this fucking British girl in the corner staring at us with a pack of water bottles in one hand and a joint in the other (God only knows how she got the fucking joint).

I told her to wait outside, and I’m pretty sure she was high as fuck because she just nodded and walked outside like a fucking imbecile. Waiter Guy asked me who I was talking to, but I just told him to shut up and hurry up because I had other places to be besides underneath him.

After he got up to leave, he went “Thanks. It was fun.”

I nodded and went “Yep. Thanks for coming. Heh. Heh. Get it? It’s like sex.”

“Really? Puns? At a time like this?”

“...Get the fuck out of our van.”

So then he left with his pants around his ankles because I said if he didn’t I’d hit him with a glass bottle, and then Cae came in, high as fuck. After a brief introduction, she gave me pot and demanded I try it. I felt like one of those people on the TV that’s forced to do drugs, but was like “Fuck it, I’m on vacation” and smoked it.

So I just woke up. I guess I passed out last night with Cae. She just said we got inside the state of Connecticut. I asked if it connected her cut, and she asked what I was talking about. I said it was a bad pun, and she said I should probably lay off the pot and sex with strangers for a while.

So, yeah. Connecticut. Yay.